Like We Never Loved At All
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“Like We Never Loved At All” – Faith Hill / Tim McGraw
(Nick – Rated PG)
There he was – the man that was supposed to be my everything. He was the man that was supposed to turn my life around and he did. He turned it upside down when he told me goodbye and went on with his life. I paused, watching him as he smiled down to her, his friend. That’s all she would ever be. I knew that and he knew that. She would never be what I was to him. She would never love him the way that I loved him. She would never drive him wild like I drove him wild.
I moved behind a light post, snuggling into my jacket when I saw them stop and her lips moved up closer to his. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the light post and turned to walk away. I didn’t understand how Nick could do that. Nick fucking Carter as he always liked me to call him. I looked over my shoulder, seeing their lips still together but his eyes were open and staring at me. I looked away and began walking faster to get further away but it seemed like something just kept pulling me back. Maybe it was the strings tugging at my heart, I didn’t know – but I didn’t like it. I never liked any of it.
You never looked so good as you did last night,
Underneath the city lights.
There walking with your friend, laughing at the moon.
I swear you looked right through me.
But I’m still living with your goodbye,
And you’re just going on with your life.
“What are you doing?” he asked, staring into her chocolate brown eyes.
“Why are you kissing me like that?” She just stared at him in return. She was his new assistant but had flirted with him since day one. He knew he couldn’t mix business with pleasure nor did he really want to.
“You can’t be doing that.”
“But this is kind of romantic, don’t you think?” she asked, tucking her black hair behind her ears. He smiled a little and looked back over to see that she was gone. She was gone – just like before. “Nick, let’s go back to the hotel.”
“Ginny, I said no,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t and besides, I don’t want to really, you’re my assistant. That’s it.” She looked away and rolled her eyes. “I’m going to go walk alone, okay? You go back to the hotel and make sure everything is set for the awards tomorrow.”
Ginny nodded and quickly began walking away.
He felt horrible for turning her down like that. She was a sweet girl but just that – a girl. She was nineteen years old and she was the age of his little sister. That’s not what he wanted. What he wanted is what he threw away for childish reasons. He was scared. He was scared of being happy, being content. He was scared that he had found the perfect person for him.And he simply let her go.
How can you just walk on by without one tear in your eye?
Don’t you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that’s just your way of dealing with the pain,
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall,
Like we never loved at all.
Especially when I see him kissing someone else.
I tried to keep my distance but when we both work in the same business, it’s a little hard to do that. I’m a reporter and he’s the star and when he’s doing good, he’s the one I have to chase down for an interview except lately, I’ve been lucky. They’ve assigned him to other people but this week, I wasn’t so lucky.I was assigned to the Grammy Awards in New York City and he was the biggest nominee.We won’t even mention the fact that New York City is where we broke up at last year’s ceremony. It’s almost like reliving it and I hate it. I didn’t want to come but my editor made me. He knew about my relationship with Nick and told me to just act professionally and how I couldn’t let my personal life affect my job.
How can I not let him affect my job? I was in love with him. Hell, I still love him.
“Hey beautiful,” I heard a voice say as I froze. Shit. “I hope you didn’t think I didn’t see you,” he said as I turned around seeing Nick standing there, bundled up in his long black dress coat. I swallowed. I didn’t know what to say to him. It was the first time we had seen each other in a non-work related atmosphere. “Well? A hello would be nice.”
“So how long have you been with her?” I shot out, seeing him roll his eyes. “Sorry, none of my business.”
“I’m not, she’s my new assistant. She’s nineteen and has a crush on me. That’s it,” she said, shaking lightly. “Same age as Angel.” I smiled slightly. He had a point. “Is that why when I looked back I saw that you had left? Problem with me kissing other girls?”
“Nick, don’t start or I’ll walk away,” I said, staring at him. “I don’t want to be here and I came outside walking around because I love this place this time of the year and plus, I couldn’t bare staying in that hotel.” He nodded and looked over to see a carriage ride by. “So how have you been?” I asked. He raised an eyebrow at me and smiled. “Other than all the nominations.”
“I’m great, really,” he smiled. “How are you… besides being a great journalist.” I rolled my eyes. “I still read your articles, you know?”
“I’ve been better,” I replied, snuggling into my jacket more as a cold breeze cut through me. “Traveling all the time and working. You know how it is.”
“I see you around a lot.”
“I see you too, all the time,” I sighed. “Sometimes too often.”
“You don’t seem happy about that,” he said as I looked away. How could I be happy about seeing the love of my life all the time when I knew that he didn’t want to be with me and told me he didn’t? Was Nick really that stupid?
You, I hear you’re doing fine;
Seems like you’re doing well,
As far as I can tell.
Time, (Time.)
Is leaving us behind, (Leaving us behind.)
Another week has passed,
And still I haven’t laughed yet.
Nick glared at me. For a moment I thought he was looking straight through me. “I’m happy you’re doing well, Nick. Seeing you kissing another girl… in our town… kills me.”
“I told you…”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me,” I explained, tucking my long, dark strawberry blonde hair behind my ears. “You don’t owe me any explanations except for why you ended it because I still don’t understand and by the way you act sometimes, I’m not sure if you do either.” I paused, seeing that he had stopped a few feet behind me. “This isn’t the reporter in me talking, Nickolas.”
“Don’t call me that,” he hissed.
“If you loved me so much, how can you just go on acting like we never existed?” I asked, seeing his eyes move away from mine. “How can you see me in Atlanta, in Charlotte, Chicago, California, Texas, all of those places and act like I’m one of the reporters that you hate so much?”
“I’m a good actor,” he said. I snorted. That was the cheapest lie I had ever heard. “Why are you so worried about this? Are you still mad at me about it?” I glared at him.
“I’m not mad about it, I just want to know why?!?” I yelled, seeing a few pigeons fly from the small area of grass beside me. I took a deep breath, seeing the steam coming from my mouth and looked back into his eyes. “You said you didn’t love me anymore. I want to know why.”
“I don’t know,” he said as I sighed and shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about this, baby…”
“You don’t have the right to call me baby anymore,” I said, pointing at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow night in the press area of the awards, have a nice night.” With that, I turned around and began walking away in a hurry. I crossed my arms over my chest, almost running down the small sidewalk to where my hotel was on the other side of the park.
I didn’t understand how he could look at me the way he did and say “I don’t know”. Of course he knows, he made the decision to end it. He made the decision to say “I don’t love you anymore.” Why did he not love me anymore? Was he tired of me always being in his business because of my career? Did he hate the fact that I had a job and a separate life away from him? What made him not love me?
As I crossed the street to my hotel, I realized one thing – I probably would never understand.
So tell me, what your secret is, baby, yeah.
(I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know.)
To letting go, letting go like you did,
Like you did.
I snuck my way into the dressing room he was staying in until they released him later that afternoon and saw him laying there, staring at the television. He looked at me and knew I was a reporter by the press pass around my neck.“Most reporters aren’t as pretty as you,” he said to me and I couldn’t help but smile.
After New York, we saw one another at other concerts and events and he always made a point to come over and talk to me. He answered my questions honestly and even gave me a few exclusives. We talked and hung out a few times, off record of course during that season. Then the Grammy’s came around again and the other award shows and the controversy with the other drivers and the reporters. Whenever he needed to say something to the press, he came to me.Then he was nominated for several Grammy’s for his solo album and asked me to be his date to the awards. Of course, I had to tell him no because I was covering it so he asked some random girl but we went out on our first date in New York City. That’s why it’s my city – our city, and three years later, he had to break up with me here.
I walked to the window in my hotel room and looked out. Snow was starting to fall and I smiled. I loved winter. I told myself that I should quit the magazine and move to Los Angeles to work for a magazine here. It would get me away from reporting, music, and most importantly – him. I loved New York City, just not as much as I loved him.
I jumped, hearing a knock at the door. Phil, my photographer, kept bugging me and wanted to know if I cared to have a drink with him. I would if he wasn’t married. “Sorry Brent,” I said, opening the door. I paused, seeing Nick standing there. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you,” he said, walking past me and into my hotel room. I closed the door and looked back at him. He was taking his jacket off and tossed it on the love seat. I looked down at the nightgown I had on and quickly grabbed my robe, slipping it on. “I don’t like you walking away from me like that.”
“That’s how you walked away from me before,” I hissed.
“No it’s not and you know it,” I stared at him. I couldn’t move my eyes from his. I felt like his eyes were burning into my soul. “Why couldn’t you have asked me this months ago? Why now? I won my second fucking championship and I want to fucking enjoy it.”
“Then enjoy it! I didn’t ask you to come home and stop trying to be all detective and finding out where I’m staying and my room number because you have no right to be here. I might have a guy here or something,” I said, seeing him smile. “I could.”
“Is that who Brent is?”
“Nick, leave,” I whispered. “I can’t do this right now. Forget I ever saw you today. Just forget we ever knew one another,” I said. I walked over to the mini bar and took out a small beer. I didn’t even know what it said on the label. It was that expensive stuff but a Bud Light tasted better. I took a big sip of the beer and looked over to see him staring at me. “Are you going to go? I don’t want you here. I don’t love you anymore. Go away.”
How can you just walk on by without one tear in your eye?
Don’t you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that’s just your way of dealing with the pain,
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall,
Like we never loved at all.
“Didn’t mind doing so before.”
“Dammit Maggie,” he hissed as I looked away. I heard his footsteps and looked up to see him in front of me. “Why do you care so much about why I ended it? Did I hurt you that damn bad that you can’t go on with your life and start over?”
“No,” I whispered, staring into his eyes. “I thought what we had was good. You always said you wanted someone who understood you and the entertainment business and I understood both. We hardly ever fought so it was out of the blue and I didn’t and still don’t understand. The weekend before we came here to New York, we spent the week in Texas with my family and had a good time and it was perfect. Was it my family?”
“No, I thought they were great and you know that,” he said. I stared at him in return. “I don’t know, Maggie.”
“You just fell out of love with me.”
“No…” he whispered, walking past her and up to the mini bar. He looked inside of it, searching for something until he turned around to look back at me. “I didn’t fall out of love with you.”
“Then what was it?” I asked.
“I don’t know…”
“Stop lying, Nick. You know, just tell me,” I demand. “You owe me at least that much for the agony I’ve gone through the past year.”
“Your father –“ Nick said as I stared at him.
“My father is dead,” I hissed, seeing the scared look on his face turn into a confused one. “He died in January.”
“God, why didn’t you call me?” he asked, walking back to me.
“You weren’t my boyfriend anymore. What about my father?” I asked, watching him roll his eyes. “What about my father?”
“He told me a lot of stuff and how he didn’t want you to marry me because I wasn’t good enough for you. He didn’t want you to marry someone who traveled around and –“
“Why would you say anything about me marrying you? We were dating…” I asked as he looked up at me. My heart stopped. He had talked to my father about asking me to marry him. “Nick…”
“I wasn’t good enough for you,” he shrugged, walking away from me. “I’m still not but I’m sorry about him, you know, I didn’t know or I would have at least called you.”
I stood there, not knowing what to say. I knew he had asked my father if he could propose to me. We had joked about it so many times because my father hated my brother-in-law because he didn’t ask for my sister’s hand in marriage. I couldn’t believe that Nick was actually going to ask me to marry him. I knew that we were getting close and that it could be possible but –
“You’re freaking out inside, aren’t you?” he asked as I looked away. I felt him walk back up to me, putting his hands on the side of my face. I moved my eyes to his, staring at him until he smiled. “I wanted to marry you, Maggie. Just, I respected your father too much to go behind his back and ask you anyway and being with you and never sealing it.” I opened my mouth slightly to say something but the words wouldn’t come out.
His face moved closer to mine until our noses were touching. My chest was pressed against his and his lips weren’t even an inch from mine when there was a knock on the door. I backed away and shook my head.
Did you forget the magic?
Did you forget the passion? (Passion.)
Oh, oh, and did you ever miss me,
Ever long to kiss me?
“Maggie, we need to finish talking –”
“Hey Brent,” I said as I opened the door, smiling at him. I walked up to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. He was a cute guy, younger than me, and was sweet as apple pie. He was the poster boy type – the type of guy that Nick hated.
“Uh, hey Mags,” Brent’s thick southern accent said as he looked over to see Nick standing there. “Holy hell, what is Nick Carter doing in your hotel room?” I just rolled my eyes. Brent was a boy band freak and this was his first big assignment as a photographer.
“He’s an old friend,” I said, clinging onto Brent’s arm. “He was just leaving,” I said as Nick smiled. It was a fake smile and I could tell. When Nick faked a smile, he did this small thing with his lips that reminded me of Elvis. “He’s got a busy day tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow night,” he whispered as he walked past us and out of my hotel room. As I heard the door close, I moved away from Brent and put my hands over my eyes. I didn’t want to see anything. I just wanted to close myself off from the world and pretend none of that happened.
“Maggie, am I missing something?” he asked as I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. “Are you okay?” I shook my head and the tears began falling from my eyes. I had to get him out of here and I did it. I just did it the wrong way. Then again, he hurt me and I suffered with it for a year. It was only fair for me to hurt him too.
Maybe that’s just your way of dealing with the pain,
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall,
Like we never loved at all. (at all.)
“Couldn’t you guys just get what I said up there on stage?” Nick asked. The press laughed like they always did. I smiled and hit record on my recorder. “So what do you wanna know? I’m so damn happy I’ll sit here all night and answer questions.”
With that, the press went wild. I stood there, front row and off to the right a little listening to things they asked. They question his change in behavior, his family, even his love life. When that question arose, he looked over at me and smiled.
“You know that old Cinderella song?” he asked, seeing the reporter nod before Nick ever mentioned the title. “Don’t know what you’ve got, ‘til it’s gone? That’s where my love life is. The new love in my life is this Grammy.”
Before I knew it, my hand was in the air. I couldn’t move it. I didn’t want it up there. I didn’t want to ask him a question.
“Miss Bridges from Entertainment Weekly,” Nick said, pointing at me. My throat became dry. What would I say to him? Would I tell him that Brant and I were nothing but colleagues and how I only did that to hurt him? Would I tell him that I still loved him and that “it” isn’t gone like he had just said?
“Your question?” he asked.
“Now that you’ve finally won a Grammy, where do you see yourself in ten years? Will you still be performing?” I asked, seeing a smile erupt on his face.
“I don’t know if I’ll still be performing. Writing and producing – yes, but I see myself happy, with the love of my life, married, with kids. I’ll be fatter and hairier and I’ll still kick anybody’s ass on stage,” he smiled. I pressed my recorder against my chest and just stared at him.
The love of his life. That’s what he told me I was before. I closed my eyes and felt Brent’s hand on my shoulder. He mouthed the words “are you okay” to me and I nodded. The truth was, I wasn’t okay. I hadn’t been okay for a year. I hadn’t been okay since the day he walked out on me.
“No,” Nick said, answering another reporter’s question. “I haven’t met the love of my life yet. I’m sure I’ll meet her one day.”
That was it.
I pressed stop on my recorder and made my way through the crowd slowly. He confessed to me only yesterday that he never stopped loving me and now he says he hadn’t met the love of his life yet. Sure, I pretended like I was with someone else but he’s Nick fucking Carter. He fights for what he wants. Why doesn’t he fight for me? He fights for everything.
I looked over the crowd’s head to see him standing there at the microphone. He was my everything and my life revolved around him. He upped and left me because my father told him he couldn’t marry me. If he was man enough, he would have told my father “fuck you” and he would have asked me anyway. If he loved me enough, he wouldn’t have cared what other people said. He doesn’t care what people say on the track. He was supposed to make me that way – thick skinned. He was supposed to turn my life around and he did – he turned it upside down. Now it feels like he’s twirled my life around again by acting like we never existed… like we never loved at all.
