Fact: I’m never going to have the love of a man.

”Savannah, open the door!”

I sit here, lying on my sofa with a blanket over me, listening to Diana beat on my door that night. I didn’t go back to work after my lunch date. I came home and cried myself to sleep. I called Allison, one of Nichole’s friend’s mother and asked her to pick Nichole up from school for me. Nichole was so sleepy when she came in that she didn’t notice that I was upset. She went straight to her room and fell asleep.

I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop thinking about the mistakes I’ve made in my life and how much I hate myself. Because I hate music, I lost the only guy that I’ve ever really and truly had feelings for.

Now I hate music even more.

“Savannah, if you don’t open the door – I’m going to your landlord and get him to break the door down!”

Diana never stops. She really is the mother that I don’t have. Just because I didn’t show up at the newspaper office today after work at the magazine, she started calling. She got my answering machine and then called my office. They told her that I didn’t come back after my lunch date with Joe Don. Now she’s been banging on my door for the last hour and a half.

I don’t want to look like a idiot anymore. I go on her stupid blind dates that lead to nothing. The last one was a disaster with a boy band member that only thought I was nice, but fat. Then there’s Joe Don who is all happy and “in love”, so he says, with a former Miss America contestant. I don’t want to look all desperate for love, but really, that’s what I am. I’m so desperate for someone that I’m beginning to look like an idiot.

“Savannah, please, I’m getting worried okay?” Diana pleaded as I finally moved off of my sofa. I walked over to the door and opened it up to look at her. “Thank you God!” she screamed, giving me a huge hug. “What happened today? What went wrong?”

”He’s happily dating a former Miss Georgia,” I replied, walking back to the sofa. I snuggled back under my blanket and stared at her. “I fucked up once again.”

”Savannah, you haven’t talked to him in a while. What do you expect?” Diana asked as I looked away. “Don’t run back to things that you once had. Think about our future for once. Think about your daughter –“

”What the hell do you think I’m thinking about?” I asked. I began crying again. I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I wasn’t strong enough. “I want Nichole to have the family that I had when I was little. I can’t even give her that because nobody wants me. The one person that did, I lost him because I’m stupid.”

“You’re not stupid. You thought it was best.” Diana said, sitting down next to me. “Don’t be in such a rush to find someone.”

”I have to be.”

”Why?”

”I just need someone.” I replied, putting my hands over my eyes. “I’m tired of being so lonely. I’m tired of writing articles about being in love when I don’t know how the hell it really feels.”

Diana sighed. I could tell she was getting aggravated with me. “Savannah, you’re gonna find someone that loves you for you –“

”No I’m not!” I yelled, jumping up from the sofa. “Nobody is going to want me okay? Look at me. I’m not a supermodel. I’m not a pageant queen. I’m going to die a virgin. Nobody wants me.”

”Die a virgin?” Diana asked as she started to laugh. “How long has it been?” I just stared at her in return. “Since you had Nichole?”

“No, I’m really going to die a virgin.” I replied, sitting back down on the sofa. “I’ve never had sex.”

”Then how the hell did you have Nichole if you’re a virgin?” Diana asked as I sighed, putting my hands over my face. “Savannah, talk to me.”

”She’s not mine,” I whispered, not wanting Nichole to hear me. “After I graduated college, I adopted a little girl because I wanted a family of my own. My parents and brother were gone and my Grandmother had died. I had nobody.”

”Aww, sweetie,” she whispered, leaning over to hug me. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that before?”

”Nobody knows it. Joe Don never knew it. My distant family doesn’t know it. Nobody knows.” I whispered, looking in the opposite direction. “I just want someone so bad. I was so scared to be with Joe Don because he didn’t know and well, he only tried once and I said no.”

”I can’t believe you adopted her. She looks like you.” Diana whispered, looking at a picture of Nichole on the wall.

“I’m never going to have someone.” I whispered. I was still crying. I couldn’t stop. “Nobody is ever going to want me.”

”Savannah, there will be someone that wants you.” She whispered. I sighed, knowing that it wasn’t true.

Nobody will ever want me. I’m a 26 year old overweight virgin with a daughter. Who is going to want me? Some 36 year old freakish virgin that sits behind his computer all day long, writing computer programs or studying fossils?

The biggest regret I have is not being with Joe Don. Hell, or my college roommate’s boyfriend for that matter. At this point, anybody, I don’t really care who. I just want someone. I want someone who will hold me and tell me how much they love me. I want Nichole to have a father. I want someone that I can walk into a room and say “This is my boyfriend”.

Diana tells me that she will find me the perfect guy or else she will divorce her husband and let me marry him. Honestly, I’d rather stay alone for the rest of my life than marrying him. I trust her when she says that she will find me the perfect guy, I just don’t know how. She hasn’t yet, why is it any different now?

“Savannah, I’m going to make a promise to you,” Diana said as she moved my hair out of my face. “Now stop crying.” I lifted my head a little, looking at her. “I’m going to find you the perfect guy to go out with. If I have to search out the state of Georgia and all adjoining states, I will find you one. Okay?”

“Okay,” I whispered, smiling slightly. There was no way she would find me the perfect guy. Maybe I should just invest in a dildo and get it over with.

Savannah, I’m seeing someone else.

I can’t get over what Joe Don said to me. I can’t get over that I actually lost him. I was so sure that he would come running back to me. I was so sure that I would have him and he would be mine forever. I’m sitting here at work and I can’t get it out of my mind. I haven’t been able to do any work today at all.

I walked into the office this morning with the fakest smile I’ve ever had in my life. I must say it was a performance of a lifetime. Sandra asked what happened with me yesterday afternoon. I lied and told them I got food poisoning and decided to go home and go to bed.

Diana offered to take me to lunch today but I turned her down. I’m not feeling up to it at all. I did ask her would she come baby sit Nichole tonight since I had a meeting here at work and of course, she offered to. She’s too nice sometimes. I wonder what I ever did to deserve her.

She did give me an idea.

She told me that maybe I should put my thoughts and feelings into words and write a novel in my spare time. The idea did interest me. When I was younger, I wrote fictional stories. Maybe this is something that could be interpreted into the magazine someway. I could always talk to Sandra about it and it will definitely keep me busy and my mind off of less important things, such as my sinking love life.

“Oh,” Bridgette, one of our newest interns said as she pulled a page out of her printer, “Hot off the newswire, a Backstreet Boy was in a wreck.”

”And this helps a woman’s magazine how?” I asked, peeking out of my office. Bridgette rolled her eyes at me and I sighed. I couldn’t wait for the day where she kisses my ass like she does Sandra’s.

“Backstreet Boy Nick Carter was injured in a wreck on Mandsell Road, just outside of Roswell.” Bridgette read as another girl walked up to her desk. “What the hell is he doing in Roswell?”

“Him and the other guys are here recording since one of them lives around here.” I said, looking back at my computer monitor. As I stopped typing, I felt eyes burning into the back of my neck. As I turned around, I saw four different sets of eyes on mine. “What?”

”Nothing,” Bridgette muttered as they all went back to their work. “Not like he’d ever give you a second glance.” She whispered to herself as I turned my head again.

“What was that Bridgette?” I asked, standing up from my desk. I walked out of my office, and stared at her. “Do you want to say that a little louder so that others can hear you?”

“I said it’s not like he’d ever give you a second glance.” Bridgette replied, standing up from her desk. “What are you, one of those older, stalkers, over-weight fans that know his every move?”

“I don’t even know a damn thing he sings, okay? I work at the newspaper some. People hear things.” I replied, seeing Sandra standing in the corner, listening to every word that was said. “You might want to go tell your boss what all you just said to me. Oh wait, she heard every word.” I turned around, walking back into my office. I heard Sandra ask Bridgette to her office and smiled, knowing the little bitch would get her head bitten off, if not dismissed from her interning. That would result in not earning her Journalism degree.

Too fucking bad.

Do I give a shit if some guy who called me fat got hurt in a wreck? Well I don’t want anybody to get hurt, but I’m not sitting here crying because it was him. There are millions of people that get in wrecks everyday. Hell a few months ago, I was in a wreck. Granted, it was just a fender bender, but still, my car had to go into the shop for a month to fix it. That’s the insurance company’s fault though, not mine.

Bridgette is nothing but a whore anyway, so her opinion on me went in one ear and out the other. She’s too influenced and will never make it in this business. She will end up sleeping her way to the top, without any real work. People like me, earn our way to the top. And just as I think this, I hear her walk back to her desk muttering.

She was fired. Great. That just made my day that much peachier.