Secret: I masturbate and no, I haven’t gone blind yet.

I was so excited last night after I got off the phone with JD that I put Nichole to bed and had some fun of my own. Some people might find it a bit… odd. It’s a natural thing to do. Guys do it all the time, so what’s any different with girls? If God didn’t want you to make yourself feel good, he wouldn’t give you the opportunity to do it.

Plus I’m so overdue for any sexual activity that I might combust when I see him tomorrow.

The first time I did it, I was seventeen and a girl in high school told me about it. She said that her boyfriend did it to her and that you can do it to yourself. Of course I knew guys did this but I never even thought about girls doing it to them selves. After some ‘researching’ on the subject – yes, dirty sex books – I masturbated for the first time. It’s the only way, at the moment that I’m sexually conscience with myself. Deep down, I love myself, even if I weigh three-hundred pounds and stumble down the hallway on crutches.

The only thing about masturbation is that you don’t have the warmth and love of a man. That’s what I want more than anything. I want someone to love me. I want someone to be with me for me. That’s what I hope I can make JD see today. If I don’t fall asleep first that is.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept replaying our break-up over and over in my mind. I kept thinking about what would have happened if I didn’t break up with him. We could have been married by now. Hell, we could have had a baby together. Nichole could have a baby sister or brother. That’s when I laugh at myself, realizing that I had gotten carried away once again.

“Savannah, you look like you slept with a clothes hanger in your mouth!” Sandra said as she walked into my small office. I blinked my eyes, coming out of my thoughts and looked at her questionably. “That smile on your face. Something I should know about?”

”Oh nothing really –“

”Oh come on –“

”I’m going out to eat lunch with my ex-boyfriend.” I said, smiling yet again. “The guy in that country band. I decided to call him up last night to see how he was and he just happened to be here for a show tonight.”

“Well this is great considering your mood yesterday!”

“I know, it’s a turn around.”

”Well good, I’m glad.” Sandra said, patting me on the shoulder. “You’re a great and beautiful girl and any guy is lucky to have you. You just make sure that he deserves you too.” I smiled, looking back at my computer monitor. “And I just wanted to give you some news.”

”What news?” I asked, looking at her questionably again. “Did something go wrong with the article I turned in the other day?”

”No,” she said, walking around my desk to look at me. “The New York office loves your idea for the teen version of Kiss & Tell. They are going to go over it in a meeting and more than likely –“

”Oh my –“

”you will be the main editor.” Sandra said, finally finishing her sentence. “It was a very good idea Savannah and they love it. There’s so many teens now buying Kiss & Tell that if we start a teen branch of it, like People did with Teen People, it could be a hit.”

”And you think that I will actually be the editor of it?” I asked, shocked by this news. Me, of all people, basically creating a magazine from scratch. It would be my creation and my idea. “I mean, really, are you sure about that?”

”I’m pretty sure of it. I’m almost ninety-five percent sure.” She replied smiling. “I just feel bad about asking you to do that undercover celebrity article.”

“No, don’t worry about it.” I said, shrugging it off. “I’m fine with myself now. I mean, I don’t like singers, except for my ex-boyfriend. So, this guy’s opinion didn’t matter to me at all.”

”Well forget him. You just may have your own magazine soon,” Sandra said. She smiled again and walked out of my office.

I could have my own magazine.

It’s what I’ve dreamed about since I was Nichole’s age. I would draw magazine covers, dreaming of having my own magazine or writing my own book. Now, it could actually happen. I could create my own magazine, from top to bottom. Everything would be approved by me. Now all I need is for Joe Don to actually come back to me and my life would be almost perfect, except for my weight. Then again, if I had Joe Don, I don’t think I would actually care.
- - - - - - -

Going to lunch is something that I rarely do. I usually never have time for lunch because I’m always busy running to pick Nichole up from school because she’s sick, trying to meet a deadline, or I’m trying to book a interview with some huge actresses, actor, or musician so Kiss & Tell can have a cover story with them.

For Joe Don, I would make an exception.

As I walk into this small pizza place that we both loved to come to, I start to get nervous. Would he look at me and become disgusted, or would he look at me and embrace me in his strong arms. I would rather the latter of the two happened. As I walked in, seeing some rather skinny and petite girls playing pool, I realized that maybe the first would.

After the date with that dried up Backstreet Boy, I realized that things couldn’t go much worse. If Joe Don wasn’t interested in me anymore, he would at least have the decency not to say anything to my face or say it so that I could hear it. He was a man and he had manners. He didn’t do things like that. He was probably one of the nicest guys I had ever met in my entire life. That’s what I loved about him.
As I looked around the restaurant, I saw a guy with his back to me. He was sitting in a corner booth and had a baseball cap on. It had to be him. He didn’t want to be too obvious if any fans were around and plus, he loved sitting in the corner of restaurants. It was our spot every time we came here, with was rarely.

“JD?” I asked, seeing him look up from under his cap, “Hey, you’re already here.”

”Savannah!” he said, with such enthusiasm in his voice. He jumped up from the booth and embraced me in a huge bear hug. I hugged him back, smelling his cologne and smiled. I actually missed that smell. “You look great, I love your hair. It’s so long. I always wanted you to grow it out like that.”

”Yeah, I remember,” I said as I scooted into the booth. “You look great too.” He blushed a little, looking down at the menu and smiled. “I had no idea you were even here when I called.”

”Still don’t listen to music I take it?” The question that had burned into his memory forever. I nodded my head and smiled. “I figured as much. It doesn’t matter,” he said, reaching over to hold my hands. “So how have you been? How’s Nicky? Do you have any pictures with you?”

”Well,” I said as I smiled, moving my hands from his. “She hates being called Nicky now. She wants to be called Nichole because she says it’s more mature.” He laughed as I reached into my purse, pulling out her kindergarten portrait. “That’s her kindergarten picture that was taken a few weeks ago.”

“She looks so much like you it’s uncanny.” Joe Don said, smiling at the picture. “I bet she’s so smart now, not that she wasn’t before,” he said, giving me the picture back. “So how have you been? How’s work?”

”Work is great,” I replied with a smile. “I submitted a proposal to start a teen version of the magazine and they love it. The lady over me told me this morning that she thinks they will make me the head editor of it.”

”That’s so great,” he said, smiling at me more. I could have melted into his arms with that smile. I didn’t even realize how much I missed it until it wasn’t there anymore. “I guess you’ve heard about the success of the band.”

”I have,” I replied, looking down at the menu. I looked back at him and smiled. “I’m so glad that you guys are getting everything that you ever wanted now. I just wish I could listen to it.”

”Savannah,” he said as I looked down again. I didn’t know what he was about to say but it scared me. “Music is a wonderful thing. It’s the universal language. You’re a writer. You should be able to appreciate that.”

”I do appreciate it.”

”But you can’t listen to it.”

”Maybe.” I replied, looking up at him. “Breaking up with you was the biggest mistake that I ever made. I didn’t realize how much I loved you until you were gone.”

”Savannah –“

”And maybe this is out of line,” I said, while reaching over to hold is hand again. “To have you back again, I would listen to music. I would sit and listen to it for days at a time. You’re the only person that I’ve ever really cared for and loved besides Nichole.”

“Is this why you called me?” Joe Don asked, staring at me. “I mean, is this why you called because you realized that we broke up for stupid reasons?”

”Yeah.”

”And you want me back?”

”Yes,” I whispered, looking down at the menu. “I was going to wait until after lunch to tell you this. I don’t want to be alone.”

”You’re not going to be alone –“

”You still love me?”

”- you have Nichole.”

”But Nichole is my daughter,” I replied, staring him into the eyes. “I want someone that I can wake up to every morning. I want someone that loves me for the way that I am and not for someone that I will never be. You loved me for who I was and that’s the same person that I am right now.”

”Savannah, I’m seeing someone else.” Joe Don whispered, not looking at me any longer. “I love you and I always will. You’re the first person that I ever cared for that I could see myself settling down with. I love Nichole as if she was my own, but I’ve moved on.”

“You met someone else?”

”Yeah, yeah I did.”

“Is she a singer?”

”No, she’s not a singer. She can’t carry a tune,” Joe Don replied as he started to smile again. She’s from Georgia actually. She was Miss Georgia a few years ago and she was in one of Toby Keith’s videos. He introduced us because we were on tour with him last year.” I sighed not wanting to look at him. “Savannah and don’t think that I’m with her because she’s thin and beautiful. She’s a good person and she loves me. Trust me, if we had stayed together I would have never given her a second look.”

”Sure,”

”Savannah, you know that I never cared about your weight problems. I thought and still think you’re beautiful. I’ve just moved on. It’s been almost two year’s babe,” Joe Don said, trying to hold my hand again. I moved it to my lap and looked at him. “I still hope we can stay friends this time around. I don’t want to loose touch with you again.”

I smiled slightly, and looked up as the waitress came to take our orders. I watched him as he told her everything that he wanted to order, wondering what this beauty queen had, besides a little waistline, that I didn’t have.
“And what can I get you ma’am?” the young, perky waitress asked me as I stared at Joe Don.

“Water and breadsticks.” I replied, handing her my menu. I had to go on a crash diet, and I had to go now. If Joe Don was happy in bliss with his little beauty queen, there was no way that I would just go home, sit on my ass, get fatter, and die a old woman with nobody that loves her.

My only safety net was now gone.