Secret: I want a man… NOW!

I always wondered what my life would be like if my parents and brother weren’t killed in that wreck. I wonder if I would have the weight problems that I have. I blame depression for most of it. The depression leads to their death. It’s my own fault that I’m fat, and I can’t blame anybody but me.

I really liked Nick tonight. He was nice and sweet. He was charming, unlike a lot of guys that I’ve been out with. He was relaxed and not uptight, worrying about if the stock market is going under. I loved the fact that he wanted to find a child that he didn’t have to care about. I love children and that touched me, a lot considering a lot of guys his age would run away from the responsibility of having a kid.

I just couldn’t handle what he said about me being ‘thick’, whatever that means. It’s another word fat and I couldn’t take it. As self-conscience as I was last night, I couldn’t handle it. Diana didn’t understand why I left. She says that it’s not a way of saying that I’m fat. She says it was just describing me and that I looked beautiful.

I sit here on the floor in Nichole’s room, staring at her. I wonder if I’m giving her the right kind of life. I wonder if I’m enough for her. I wonder if she really needs a father in her life. Not that Nick would have made a good father. He acts like a kid himself, starting sentences with ‘Dude’. I need to find her a good father and someone that will love me no matter how unattractive I am.

Sometimes I wonder if I should call my ex-boyfriend. He was the only father that she had only known. She adored him and he was crazy about her. Maybe I should get over this whole ‘music hater’ thing and choose love over fear. The sad thing is, I’m not sure if I can do that. I want to give her what I never had. I never had a real family and she deserves it. She deserves a father and a little brother or sister.

My top priority now is my daughter. I’ve put my job before anything else before. Tonight I made a fool out of myself because of my job. My top priority now is giving my daughter what I never had. If that means getting back with my ex-boyfriend then by all means, that’s what I’ll do. I have to get over this fear of music. He loved me for what I am, not for what I’m not.

- - - - - - -As I step off of the elevator, I can feel the fire from the eyes burning into my neck. Everybody in the office knew that I was doing this article. They knew that I had gone out on a date with a celebrity the night before. Sandra was bragging all over the office the day before. It horrified me beyond belief.

Now I had to break the news to her that I wasn’t doing the article.

As I sat down at my desk, I turned my computer on and stared at Nichole’s kindergarten picture. She had on my heart shaped locket that my mother had given me on my first day of kindergarten. She looked so happy. I remember how she couldn’t wait to start school. She wanted to buy her backpack and school supplies.

“Savannah,” Sandra said, walking up behind me in a cheerful mood. “How was your date last night?” I sighed, not even wanting to answer her. “Savannah?”

”It was horrible.” I replied, looking over my shoulder at her. “Horrible.”

”Horrible?” she asked, sitting down on the edge of my desk. “Now how could it be horrible?”

“He was a singer. It didn’t work out, give the assignment to someone else,” I said as she looked in shock. “I’m not doing it anymore.”

”You’re not doing it anymore?” Sandra asked as she stood up, crossing her arms. I turned around in my chair staring at her. “What do you mean it didn’t work out? Savannah Shiver, I demand a explanation right now. This was a very important assignment for you.”

”I’m fat!” I yelled, standing up to look at her. The entire office paused, looking at us. “I’m fat okay. I can’t seduce and party with celebrities when I look the way I do. I’m not some skinny whore Sandra, I can’t do it. Give it to someone else.” I grabbed my folders, giving her a cold look and walked into another office, slamming the door. I leaned against it, breathing heavily.

I had never talked to my boss like that before since I started this job. I’ve never raised my voice at her. I’ve never done anything like that before. I’m sure everybody in that huge office space is pissing in their pants at this very moment. I’m Savannah, the smart, quiet girl. Now they’ve met Savannah, the pent up sexual tension who hates being fat, bitch.

“Savannah,” Sandra said as I moved away from the door. I opened the door, looking at her. At that very moment, beyond my control, tears started to fall from my eyes. “Come here,” she said as she walked into the room. She shut the door behind her and the next thing I knew, she was hugging me. “If you were uncomfortable with it, why didn’t you just tell me that in the first place?”

”I didn’t want to let you down. I always do my job,” I replied, backing away from the hug. “I don’t have the self-confidence to go out and throw myself at the celebrity circle. I can’t do it. I don’t want to focus all of my attention on that. I’m not pretty enough.”

”You are pretty enough. Stop saying that you’re fat, you’re not fat.” Sandra replied. “You’re just big boned.”

”Well it looks fat,” I replied dryly.

“Listen, don’t worry about the assignment. I’ll give it to someone else.” Sandra whispered as I nodded my head. “I’m sorry I put you through that.”

“It’s okay,” I whispered. “It made me come to some decisions in my life.”

”Well at least it did something,” Sandra said as we walked out of the room. It felt good to finally get all of that off of my chest. She wasn’t that upset with me. She had never seen me get that upset before so I assume that she took it seriously. I was upset. The date embarrassed me to hell and back and I didn’t want to be a part of this game plan any longer. I wasn’t meant to write about celebrities.

Today, I’ve been wondering if I’m about to be with a celebrity at all.

- - - - - - -

“You’re going to call your ex-boyfriend?” Diana asked, the next afternoon. I sat there in my usual spot, going over some articles for the next days edition of the Atlanta Journal Constitution. “What is it that this ex does for a living?”

”A singer,” I replied softly.

“And what is it you say about music and singers?” She asked, crossing her arms as she stared at me.

“I think I’ve come to realize that it’s not that bad of a thing. I really loved him and I’m tired of being alone okay? I realized that after the date with your boy band guy last night.” I said, staring at the computer monitor. “I realized that nobody, nobody is going to love me for how I am except for him, and so I’m going to call him.”

”What kind of singer is he?”

”Country,”

”Does he wear a cowboy hat? Tight jeans?”

I laughed at her. “No hat, but he does wear tight jeans.” She giggled, walking back to the layout are. “I was so uptight about the music thing then and just, I’m tired of being alone. I know it’s wrong, but he’s the only person that ever wanted more with me than dinner and a movie.”

“What about Nichole’s father? Is that him, the country singer guy?” Sandra asked as I shook my head. “So who is her father?”

”Some guy in New York,” I replied, not wanting to get into the detail of my past relationships. “My ex is the only father that Nichole has ever known. She loved him and he was crazy about her. When he went off on concert tours, he would bring her back all sorts of crazy things. He would call to talk to her everyday. The worst part in breaking up with him was her loosing him.”

”Then why did you break up with him?”

“Music. I don’t listen to music. I haven’t since I was a kid, because when my parents and brother were killed, we were listening to the radio.” I said, looking down at my hands. “It’s time to get over that now. I need to get past my fears and think about my daughter’s life. I want her to have what I never had.”

“Then what are you waiting for? Call this guy,” she said, smiling. “It’s not that Kenny Chesney guy is it?”

”No,” I replied laughing. “Not Tim McGraw either.”

”Damn,” Diana snorted as I laughed at her. As she went on to talk about her usual bitterness towards her husband and sons, I kept thinking about my ex-boyfriend.

- - - - - - -

Joe Don Rooney.

I always called him JD for short. The first time we met, he was a upcoming musician and was in town with song female singer that he played in her band. We hit it off instantly and talked to one another on the phone all of the time. As soon as he got a day off, he went to visit his family in Oklahoma for a day, and then flew here to spend a day with me. We went on our first date and we were inseparable after that. I told him from the start that I had a problem with music and I explained myself. He was so understanding that for a while, it didn’t matter that music was his life. I just wanted him in my life.

Not long after we started going out, him and one of his fellow band mates Jay decided to start their own group. With the help of Jay’s cousin Gary, Rascal Flatts was born. They set out to sign a record deal from the start, and it didn’t take them long to achieve it. A year and a half after we began dating, their first single was on the Billboard Charts.

A year and a half seems like a very long time, but in reality it wasn’t that long at all. We rarely saw each other. We talked all the time on the phone, but rarely got to hold one another and kiss one another. He didn’t care about my weight issues. He only cared about me. I trusted him on the road and I knew that he wouldn’t cheat on me, and he didn’t.

But as soon as it all became wonderful, it began to be too much. They had the fastest rising single in the country with some song called “I’m Movin’ On” and I couldn’t handle it anymore. It had been 6 months since I saw him and every time I talked to him, he would talk about music more and more. They had begun recording their second album and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

And now I find myself sitting here, staring at my phone, wondering if I should call. I look over at Nichole who is sitting on the floor, reading some small flip book and know that it’s the right thing to do. I need to do this for her. I need to do it for me too.

“Baby, I’m going to go in my bedroom and make a phone call,” I said, seeing Nichole stare up at me. “You be a good girl and stay in here okay?”

”Okay Mommy,” she replied in a sweet voice. I smiled, walking towards my bedroom and slowly shut he door. Each step I took towards my bed, I could hear my heart pound harder and harder. As I turned the phone on and began dialing his cell phone number, I could hear his voice in my head telling me no, that he didn’t want to see or talk to me anymore.

“Hello?” a slow, deep voice said as I smiled, recognizing it.

“JD? Is that you?” I asked, wanting to make sure I had the right person. “It’s Savannah.”

”Savannah?” he replied. I could sense his smile through the phone. “Wow, I haven’t heard from you in such a long time. What a coincidence. I was just thinking of you today because –“

”Yeah, I’ve been thinking about you a lot too,” I replied, twirling my hair around my index finger. “So how have you been? I hear that he group is pretty successful now.” I wanted him to know that the group talk was okay and that I didn’t have a problem with it. I could sense that he was wondering why I called. Anybody with common sense would wonder.

“Yeah, we’re doing great. How have you been?” he asked in a eager voice. “How’s Nichole. Is she doing well in school? I know she’s started now.”

”She’s great. She’s one of the smartest in her class,” I replied, smiling. “She misses you so much.”

“Well guess what?” Joe Don said as I looked around my bedroom. “I’m actually in Atlanta. We have a show here tomorrow night.” I paused. He was in Atlanta? He was here. “I’ve been thinking about you all day and wondered if I should stop by but I didn’t know if you were married or anything –“

”Oh no no, I’m not married at all. I’m not even dating anybody. That’s actually –“

”Great, then how about we have lunch tomorrow and we can chat some more? I need to go for a band meeting right now,” he said as I smiled, wanting to giggle at myself. He wants to have lunch with me! Me! “That pizza place we always went to near your apartment?”

”Sounds great.” I replied, smiling to myself. “How about at 12:30, is that good for you?”

”Great. I’ll see you then,” he said. He began to laugh a little at himself from what sounded like pure giddiness. “I’m glad you called Savannah. I missed you babe.”

”I missed you too,” I whispered, smiling into the phone. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

”Bye,” I heard him say as he shut his cell phone. I leaned back on the bed, giggling to myself. I was acting like a teenage girl. He missed me. He was in Atlanta. He wanted to have lunch with me. He called me babe.

He still loves me, I know it.