Secret : I hate my body.

Since I was a child, I’ve had weight issues. I was so chubby as a child that I was picked on constantly. I was called all of the nicknames like ‘fatty’ ‘fatso’ and ‘hippo’. That’s just putting it mildly. Sometimes it got down right mean and ugly. When my parents were killed in the car accident, the depression made me gain more weight. Luckily before starting college, I lost a great amount of weight.

My grandmother was so proud of me for doing that. That’s one reason why I try to keep my weight down now. I want to do it for her. She told me that if I worked at it, that I could have the body I want. Somehow, that hasn’t came true yet. I don’t have the body I want. I have the body that I have. I’m tall, but I’m big boned. I have meat on my body. I have hips and breast and none of it is fake. I didn’t buy any of it. It’s all natural.

The sad thing is, guys go for what’s fake. That’s the awful truth.

I change clothes at least ten times every morning before Nichole rushes me out of the apartment because she is going to be late for school. If it weren’t for her, I would never end up getting dressed because I don’t think I look good in anything. Diana tells me all the time that I’m too hard on myself. She tells me that I’m beautiful just the way that I am. She tells me that there are too many anorexic looking women in this world and some man out there will love me for the way that I am.

I really would like to believe that, but I don’t. How can I believe that when I sit in a bar and I notice a guy looking at me. I think to myself ‘Wow, this guy is hot and he’s looking at me!’. At that moment, a tall, slim girl walks up beside me and his attention is immediately drawn to her. That’s why I usually don’t go out anymore. It’s happened on blind dates that Diana has set me up on. The men will look at younger, slimmer girls that walk by instead of paying attention to me.

Diana has informed me this morning that she has almost found me a celebrity to go out with. I’m seriously shaking in my white go-go boots. She says by this afternoon that she will have me a date. Sometimes I think Diana looks at me like a daughter. She has no daughter of her own and only has sons. Her sons are into football, hunting, and fishing – just like their father. I think she pretends I’m the daughter she will never have, and try to marry me off to a wealthy Atlanta businessman.

Sometimes I don’t know what I would do without her. She helps my self-esteem more than my Dr. Phil book. Like I said about me being her daughter, she is the closest thing I have to a mother or a sister. I think out of everybody I know, she’s probably my best friend. When I was in the hospital last year, suffering from dehydration, she took care of Nichole for me.

I don’t take care of myself. That’s why I was in the hospital. I only eat one meal a day and I exercise, burning off more calories than I take in.  I’m not anorexic; I just don’t have time to eat. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me, but it’s true. Diana preaches to me about eating three meals a day, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

As I sit here right now, reading the new People magazine, I look over at Nichole who is sitting on the floor, coloring. She’s so artistic. Her teacher says that she has an artistic level of a middle school aged child. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have such a smart, loving, beautiful little girl.

”Mommy, when are we going on a trip?” Nichole asked as I laughed. “I want to go on vacation soon.”

”We can’t right now. You’re in school. Wait until the summer,” I replied, hearing the phone ring. “Bring me the phone baby.” I watched Nichole as she jumped up, picking the phone up from the table. She hopped over, handing it to me so I could answer it. “Hello?”

”Savannah darling, you’re going to love me.” A voice said as I sighed.

“What did you do Diana?” I asked, laughing a little. “Better yet, what didn’t you do?”

”I got you the best date. You’re going to love me.” Diana replied, “Seriously, you will love me Savannah.”

”What is it?” I asked, wondering what she had done. “I mean, who is it? Tell me everything.”

”No,” Diana replied. I could hear her giggling while trying not to let me hear it. “You are going to be meeting him at The Crescent tomorrow tonight at 7:30 sharp.”

”Oh god,” I whispered, sliding down in the chair. “Diana, what am I getting myself into? I don’t know jack crap about writing about the entertainment industry. I think I’m just going to go to Sandra and tell her I can’t do this –“

”Stop that, you can’t. You have to do it.” Diana replied. “You know damn well the next head person in that organization that leaves, you will take their place. It will not kill you to do this one time.  Plus, I think you will have fun.”

I sighed, listening to her tell me about what to wear. “Don’t wear pants,” she warned me. I wondered if she had set me up with some famous mafia man who will tell me to ‘say hello to his little friend’. All I could think about is ending up at this dinner to see some gangster rapper whose mouth is full of gold teeth and with more ice around his neck than Liberace.

“Oh yeah,” Diana replied. “I told the guys’ friend that your name is Georgia.”

“WHAT?” I yelled, causing Nichole to jump. “Sorry baby,” I said to her before standing up. “Diana, why would you lie about my name? I mean what if I do like this guy and he likes me and we fall in love. Georgia is my middle name; I don’t go by it in everyday conversation.”

“See, you admit by thinking that far ahead that you like this idea.” Diana replied. I rolled my eyes at her. Did she really think that I might want to marry this guy. I didn’t even know who I was going out with. “Savannah, if you want to tell him that you go by Savannah, then do it tomorrow night.”

Diana drives me crazy sometimes. After hanging up the phone, I watched Nichole as she continued to draw and color on the floor. I wondered if she knew how confused her mother was about her life. Did she really realize everything I had gone through in my life to get where I was today?

I wonder if doing this article is worth the trouble. I don’t want anybody to think I’m some greedy bitch who is just out for information. I’m never that type of person and I don’t plan on becoming that way now. I’ll go on this one date, but if I realize I won’t like this person or this assignment, I’ll tell Sandra I’m out. I will refuse to do it.
- - - - - - -As I stand in front of the mirror the next afternoon, I wonder why my mother never had the problems that I do. She was a tall, slim woman. She definitely didn’t gain any weight after giving birth to two children like most women do. Sometimes I wonder if I’m adopted, and my birth mother was this fat woman who was too fat to get out of bed. Then again, I know I’m not. I look like my mother, except a bigger version.

This dress that I have on, does nothing for me. This is what Diana picked out before she went to take Nichole out for a happy meal from McDonald’s. It has no straps and I hate that. I feel like my huge boobs are going to fall out of my dress and the whole upper east side of Atlanta will see the tradition that has been passed down in my family, generation to generation: big breast.  Luckily enough I will be able to wear my jacket with it, since it’s quite chilly outside.

Sandra gave me a long speech today at work about what was going to happen with this article. I almost wanted to tell her to do this article herself. I feel like a puppet on a string, doing what my boss says. She wanted to know who I was going out with but I told her at the moment, I didn’t know. I still don’t know. I wish to go Diana would tell me but she refuses to do so.

“Mommy! We’re back!” I heard a door slam and smiled, knowing that Diana and Nichole were back from getting themselves some dinner.

“Wow, look at you,” Diana said, peeking her head into my bedroom. “Savannah, you look absolutely beautiful.” I looked at her, and shook my head. “Seriously, your hair, your dress – you are going to get some ass tonight.”

”Diana!” I replied, rushing to the door. I didn’t want Nichole hearing that kind of language. “I’m not getting any kind of ass tonight. Good lord woman,” I whispered, sighing.

“You do look beautiful.” Diana said, handing me my jacket. “You need to get going. Traffic is rough out there. Just be you tonight, don’t be someone else, and it will go fine. He’s a really nice guy. I wouldn’t set you up with a freak on this date.”

“I know,” I whispered, giving her a hug. “Thanks for helping me with this.”

”No problem.”

”And don’t let her stay up too late. Help her with her homework although that shouldn’t be a problem. Make sure she’s in bed by nine if I’m not back by then.” I said, walking towards the living room. I looked over in the dining room, seeing Nichole sitting at the table, playing with her toy that she got in her Happy Meal. “Sweetie, I’m going on the date now.”

”Oh Mommy, you look so pretty!” Nichole yelled. She jumped out of her chair and ran up to me. “You look like a princess!” I kneeled down, kissing her on the cheek.

“I want you to be a good girl for Diana tonight okay?”

“I will Mommy.”

”And I’ll be back soon.” I whispered, giving her another kiss. Nichole ran back to the table and I looked at Diana who smiled. “Okay, I guess I’m gone.”

“Have a good time!” Diana excitedly exclaimed as I walked out of the door. As I walked down the hallway of my apartment building, I wondered if I did look good. I sort of felt good, but then I look down at my body and realize that I don’t. I was going to make a complete idiot of myself. I just knew it.

I remember the time in high school when I had to go to an awards show. I had the highest average of a 99.4 in British Literature. As they called your name, you walked up on stage to accept your trophy. I stood there, ready and excited with my grandma in the audience and I heard my name. I stood up and began walking to the stage, hearing people applaud for me and that’s when I it happened. I tripped over my own big feet and fell flat on my face. It was the most humiliating moment of my life.

Tonight is going to be worse.

- - - - - - -

The Crescent.

It’s definitely one of the fanciest restaurants on this part of town. I’ve only been here a few times. Two of those times were business dinners. I watch as the valet boy drives my car off to park it. I hate leaving my car with valet. I have this undying fear that one day I will never get my car back. I don’t know why I think that sometimes, but it definitely worries me.

As I begin walking into the restaurant, I notice people looking at me. Is it because I’m fat or do I look really bad. I knew this dress was a bit much. I shouldn’t have worn it but Diana is a great dresser. I value her opinion but with the stares I’m getting, I’m starting to question her.

“Hi,” I said, walking up to the hostess. “I’m here for a reservation. I mean I have a reservation, but I don’t know who I’m dinning with.” She looked at me questionably. “I mean, I don’t know who I’m having dinner with or –“

”I understand,” she said, looking down at he reservation book. “And your name is?”

”Shiver,”

“Georgia Shiver?”

“Yes,” I replied, looking over my shoulder to see a dark haired man walk up behind me. He didn’t look like a celebrity. He reached up to scratch his nose and I noticed a wedding ring. He was definitely not my date.

“Right this way Miss Shiver,” the hostess replied. She smiled, turning around and began walking through the restaurant. I walked slowly, wondering if the guy was already here. I looked over to my left to see some blonde guy checking me out. He looked as if he enjoyed what he say. Maybe if this date with this famous guy didn’t work out, I could always go back there and meet him.

”My date isn’t here yet?” I asked, seeing the hostess stand beside an empty table for two.

“No Miss Shiver, but as soon as he gets here, I will show him to the table.” I smiled, sitting down in the chair with my back towards the front of the restaurant. I didn’t want to sit there, see someone like Ashton Kutcher or Brad Pitt walk in and freak out thinking that they were my date.

The longer I sit here, the more anxious I become. I wonder if I’m going to be stood up or not. I think about what types of things I’m going to talk to him about. I wonder if that guy a few tables back is still staring at me. He was kind of cute and I was always attracted to blondes.

“And here is your table sir,” I heard the hostess say as I froze dead in my tracks.