Rumor: Nick’s fans have found out about Nichole and I.

Johnny called Nick late last night, telling him that word has gotten around that Nick is dating a girl who has a child. Obviously that girl would be me. He thinks it’s time to make an announcement about Nichole, but what he doesn’t know is that I’m pregnant. Nick didn’t want to tell him yet that I was pregnant. He knew Johnny would flip out due to the fact that Nick is claiming to be the father.

I feel as if I’ve gotten myself into a soap opera situation. I’m scared to death of being pregnant and actually giving birth. Diana asked me what I thought about abortion. I don’t really think anything about it. I’ve never thought much about it due to the fact that I never had sex. I think a woman as the right to do whatever she wants with her body.

The question is, do I want to have this baby or not? In one point of reasoning, it’s an innocent, small baby that is barely alive and has not asked to be conceived. The other point of reasoning is that, well, the baby would be a constant reminder of Austin for the rest of my life, no matter if Nick is claiming to be the father or not.

The baby could be a boy and be the spitting image of his father. He won’t look like Nick, he’d look like Austin. But then again, it could be a little girl and she could look a lot like me. I haven’t even told anyone these thoughts of mine. I’ve been keeping them to myself as I try to comprehend the fact that I’m pregnant and studying the history of the Backstreet Boys.

Apparently Johnny wants me to write up some press releases, giving some small details on the album. That’s great and all but I don’t know anything about the album except that it’s by the five of them, and that it’s mostly being recorded in Atlanta. I don’t know anything about the songs nor have I listened to them, or will ever listen to them. I need to listen to them, that’s for sure.

I need to listen to them.

I wonder if I face my fear of listening to music like a normal person, would it make Nick look at me in a different light. I doubt it. I’m just his daughter’s mother who was stupid and got knocked up by a married man. Sadly, I wished Nick was my first now. That way I wouldn’t be pregnant and if by some chance I was, it would be his. Nichole could have a blood brother or sister.

As of right now, she could care less if I was having a litter of puppies, she’s getting a brother or sister and she’s thrilled. Actually, thrilled is an understatement. She has been drawing pictures and writing the baby letters. Nick thinks it’s cute and I do too, but it scares me. I think what I find so scary is that I always wanted a family of my own and in a weird, dysfunctional way, I almost have that.

Dysfunctional, very.

“Savannah,” Nick said as he walked into the apartment that afternoon after lunch. “I was leaving the studio to come over here and Johnny said to call him.” I looked at him as he smiled at me, putting his baseball cap on backwards. “It’s something about a press release,”

”I can’t write anything about the album –“ I started to say as he winked at me. Now I was confused. “What are you winking at?”

”It’s not about the album,” he said, walking closer to me. “It’s a press release about me, and you, and Nichole,”

My heart skipped. He actually wanted me to tell the world that I was involved with a boy band member who I was basically falling in love with and that we have a daughter together? “Nick, are you sure?”

”I’m sure,”

”What about the preg –“

”I told Johnny,” he said as I looked away. He didn’t sound too enthused with that news. “He said to tell you congrats but that we should hold off with that news, because it’s still early in the pregnancy,”

“Yeah, that’s true,” I said, standing up from the table. “Nick, can I ask you something?”

”Sure, what?”

”Don’t take this the wrong way,”

”I wont,”

I sighed, trying to get the courage to ask. “What do you think of abortion?” I looked at him, and saw the look of shock come over his face. “It’s not that I want to have one but I’ve been thinking about it. I don’t know if I can have this baby and look at it every day for the rest of my life and think of Austin,”

“I was thinking about it too,” Nick said, crossing his arms. “I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know your views on it,”

“It’s just that. I don’t want to be reminded of that mistake for the rest of my life,” I said, looking at him again. “What if it’s a little boy and he looks exactly like Austin?”

“Savannah, I know I’m wanting to help you with the baby,” he said, moving closer to me, “but it’s your decision. I can’t make this for you. I’ll just be here to support you in whatever you do,”

My heart was gone. I stared in his eyes, and I was completely swept away by what he had just said. The question of whether or not I was developing feelings for him had been answered. I am falling in love with him. What he said pulled me in, hook, line, and sinker.

“Savannah?” he asked, causing me to jump a little. “You dazed out for a minute. Listen, you should really think about this okay, but Nichole already knows.”

I sighed, knowing he was right. Nichole did already know and her heart was already set on a little brother or sister. I didn’t want to end up breaking her heart.

“Yeah, I didn’t even think about that,” I replied, leaning against the sofa. “I just wish this baby wasn’t his,”

“Then whose would it be?” Nick asked as he started to laugh. “I don’t think we had sex, or at least I don’t remember and I think I would remember that,”

”Why are you so positive that you would remember?”

”Because –“

”Why?”

”I haven’t had sex since I found out that I had a kid and so that was before our date that night, so it’s been a while and I would remember it,” he said, nudging me a little. I sighed, so wanting to lean over and kiss the utter hell out of him but I didn’t. “What are you going to do Savannah?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered, looking down at my hands.

“Listen, I’m gonna say something and I don’t really care if you get mad at me or not,” he said. I cut my eyes over, staring at him without moving my head. “I don’t think you should get an abortion. I think you should have this baby. You won’t be alone and forget about Austin, we’ll move or something. I can get a house out near Rok and –“

“We?” I asked, staring at him. He looked in shock for a moment and finally looked away. “I mean, why are you saying we?”

”Well, Nichole’s my daughter –“

”Yeah –“

”And everybody is going to think we’re together, and we want to raise our daughter right, right?” he asked as I nodded my head. “Listen, I’m not into this wild rock star stuff anymore.”

”I never said that Nick, I never held that against you really anyhow –“ I said as he interrupted me. He turned around, facing me and I felt nervous. For some reason I felt my heart fall all the way down to the pit of my stomach.

“Finding out that I had a kid calmed me down, totally. I wanna give her all the things that I never had growing up and that includes a normal family,” he said. I stared at him in return. “Sure, I had a mother and father and sisters and a brother but after I started singing, my mother went mad with that and my family was never the same. I want her to have all of that.”

“Nick, you don’t love me,” I whispered, finally getting the words out. I didn’t think I would be able to, but I did.

“Don’t say that because I care about you. You’ve given me the best gift and that was being a part of her life. You didn’t have to do that at all and you’ve welcomed me in your life and your home with open arms,” he said. I looked away, taking a deep breath. “I care about you, a lot.”

“I care about you a lot too,” I replied, looking at him again. “Maybe I should tell you –“ I started to say when Nick’s cell phone rang.

“Hang on a sec,” he said, standing up from the sofa. He flipped open his cell phone, talking softly. I paused, realizing what I was about to tell him and basically hit myself in the head. There was no way I could tell him that.

“Savannah, I’ve gotta run to the studio,” Nick said as I stood up from the sofa. “Listen, I’ll be back in a little bit and we will finish talking, okay?” I nodded my head, smiling slightly as he leaned over kissing me on the cheek. “Okay sweet, relax, I’ll be back soon.”

“Okay, drive safely,” I said, as he smiled, walking out of the door.

I sighed, walking over to the DVD player and looked at one of the DVD’s I bought, All Access. Maybe I needed to watch this and try to get over my fear of music. Maybe if I did get over it, Nick would look at me in a different light.

As I put the DVD in the player, I thought about the kiss he had just given me. His lips on my cheek felt different than any kiss I had received before in my life. It wasn’t like kissing Joe Don or Austin, and it wasn’t even a kiss on the lips. When his lips touched me, I felt this rush through my body. I almost done even want to imagine what it would feel like if we kissed one another on the lips.

A real kiss, not like the one at the hospital.

A kiss that we both know is going to happen. A kiss where he kisses me, showing me just how much he cares about me. God, thinking about it makes me want to believe that I have seriously lost my mind.

I grab the remote to the DVD player and sit down on the floor in front of the TV. I was scared to hit play, but somewhere deep inside, I found the courage to do it and I did it. I just hit a random section of the DVD and it lead me to the making of a video called “As Long As You Love Me”. The title sounds cheesy enough, not to mention how young all of the guys look.

Nick looks so young. His hair is almost white, and he has the cutest smile on his face at certain parts. Brian is so funny in most parts and AJ looks goofy as hell. The sad thing is, Nick is almost the same exact Nick he is in this video except he’s older and more mature.

The making of the video ended and the music video was about to come on. I paused it for a second, trying to gain my composure. I wanted to watch it and listen to it but I didn’t know if I could make it through the whole thing. After talking myself into it, I hit play, watching the girls in the video, walk into the audition.

The music began to play and I cringed a little but the feeling left when I saw Brian straighten Nick’s jacket. It was too cute.

Although lonliness has always been a friend of mine
I’m leaving my life in your hands
People say I’m crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance

I was in shock from hearing his singing voice. It wasn’t how I imagined his voice at all. Sure, this was from a few years ago when he was younger, but still. It was his voice. I smiled a little, pausing the video and stared at him.

Before I knew it, a tear was rolling down my cheek.
And how you got me blind is still a mystery
I can’t get you out of my head
Don’t care what’s written in your history
As long as you’re here with me

I don’t care who you are
Where you’re from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are
Where you’re from
Don’t care what you did
As long as you love me

I was in tears. I couldn’t stop crying, not only because of his voice, but the lyrics too. They were so nice and sweet, and hearing him sing them, I almost believed them. Sure, it sounded a little teenybopperish but it sounded so truthful.

“Savannah,” Nick said as he walked back into the door. I froze, not knowing what to do. The DVD was paused on his face and I was crying. “Savannah, what are you doing?” he asked as I stood up, looking at him. “You’re crying, why are you crying?”

”What are you doing back here?” I asked, wiping the tears away from my eyes.

“They called me back when I got down the street and said that they didn’t need me,” he said, walking closer to me. He looked at the television and started to laugh. “What’s going on?”

”I was watching the DVD I bought,”

”No, what’s really going on,” he said, crossing his arms. “What were you going to tell me before my cell rang and why are you crying?”