Confession: Nick makes me nervous now.

After leaving Diana’s office, the thought of Nick having feelings for me turned my brain upside down. I went shopping for a while, buying Nichole and myself some things that I really shouldn’t have bought, due to the lack of income coming in, but I splurged into my savings a little and did it anyway. For the most part, I think I did it so that I wouldn’t think about Nick.

It worked until I saw Austin and his wife at a toy store. We both paused, staring at each other and I just turned, ignoring him. I didn’t run out of the store. I didn’t do anything out of the norm except curse him under my breath. His wife was so pretty that I wonder what he ever saw in me. She looked like a beauty queen winner; someone that could run for Miss America and win the title. I could win the trophy for Best Hog at the 200th Annual Gwinnett County Hog Show. That shows our differences.

But even that couldn’t take Nick off of my mind.

That lead me to the music section of Wal-Mart, looking at CD’s and DVD’s. I looked over, seeing a Backstreet Boys’ DVD called Around The World and noticed that it wasn’t a music, concert, type DVD. Least to say I bought it. I figured I should at least see and experience some past history of my daughter’s father. Then I bought another DVD, All Access which apparently is older. I also bought a CD. Actually it’s my first CD. It’s Nick’s solo album that he recorded while the group went on a break. I had read about that online and now I own it. There’s a DVD that comes with it, so I might have to watch that if it isn’t too music oriented.

I didn’t know why I was buying that stuff, but I knew it was a good thing. Maybe I could get past my fear of music and share his music with my daughter. For some reason, I doubt that day will ever come. I’m still so deathly scared of it.

When I returned home, he and Nichole were working on her homework so that they could watch her favorite movie, The Little Mermaid that night after her bath. Nichole ran up and gave me hug, asking what did I buy and I showed her the stuff that I bought her and she loved it. She wanted to see what was in the Wal-Mart bag, but I wouldn’t show her. Nick looked curious too but I didn’t want him to know. It was for me, and only me.

As I showed Nichole the things I bought her, I kept glancing at Nick from the corner of my eye. He sat there, smiling, looking so happy that it almost scared me. Maybe he does feel something more for me. It makes me feel uncomfortable but I think it’s sweet at the same time. I definitely shouldn’t start having feelings for someone else so soon after my situation with Austin, and it definitely shouldn’t be Nick.

He isn’t even my type. Then again, I’m not sure what my type is. Maybe I think that because I never thought of him in a loving way until Diana said that today. He is cute, that I will give him. He’s sweet and nice, and apparently smart. I think I’m just setting myself up for a fall. I’m rushing into something that I shouldn’t be rushing into. The question is, what am I rushing into? I’m not getting a crush on him or obtaining feelings for him. I don’t know what I’m doing to be honest.

“Savannah, Nichole wants you to go in and kiss her goodnight,” Nick said, walking out of her room that night. I smiled, walking into her room and shut the door lightly.

“Did Nick read you a story?” I asked, sitting down on the edge of her bed. She nodded her head and smiled. “You like it that he’s here a lot don’t you?”

”I do Mommy. I love my Daddy,” she said, leaning up to give me a hug. “I love you too Mommy,”

“I love you too baby,” I said, kissing her on her forehead, “Now sweet dreams.”

”Sweet dreams Mommy,” she said as I walked out of her room slowly, shutting the door. I turned around, seeing Nick pick up his solo CD that I had bought. I accidentally left it on the sofa from looking at the little booklet.

“Where did you get this?” Nick asked, looking at me.

“I bought it today,” I replied, walking over to take it out of his hand.

“Did you listen to it?”

”No, obviously,”

”Then why did you buy it?”

”Because –“

”Why?”

”I wanted to see the little booklet inside and maybe the DVD that came with it,” I replied, sitting the CD on the counter. “Is that such a crime?”

“You wanna listen to it, don’t you?” Nick asked walking towards me. “Savannah, music isn’t evil –“

”Save it Nick. You’ve already expained this to me,”

“Come on, just try to listen to one song and if you get scared or freaked out, we’ll stop it.” Nick said, reaching over to take my hand. He moved his left hand over and picked up the CD. “Come on,” he said, dragging me towards my bedroom where the stereo was. I stood there, watching him put he CD in the CD player.

“I’m not listening,” I said, putting my hands over ears.

“Come here,” Nick said, putting hands hands around my arms, dragging me closer to the stereo. “Move your hands, it’s on really, really low,” he said, moving my hands from my ears. “Can you hear it?”

”Just barely. What is it?”

‘“Who Needs The World When I’ve Got You,’ now don’t block it out,” he said as I moved my eyes away from him. He started humming along to the lyrics and I looked at him again. “See it’s not that bad,”

“Nick –“ I said as I looked away again. I rolled my eyes when he turned the music up and I jumped, reaching for it. He reached up, grabbing my arms, stopping me and I stared back at him. “Turn it off, turn it down, something. Stop it.”

”No, listen to it,”

”I’m not listening!” I said, pushing him away from me. I walked out of my bedroom, crying softly and sat down on the sofa in the living room. I started shaking and looked up to see Nick walk out. “Don’t ever force me to do something again,”

”You were listening to it for a minute,” Nick said, sitting down on the table, across from me. “It’s not bad Savannah,”

“Yes it is, it killed my family,” I said, wiping my eyes with my hand. “Don’t bring this up. I don’t want it to be a problem with us. Don’t push me into anything that I don’t want to do or hear.”

”Music killed my family too,” Nick said as I looked back at him. “Not really but music and money tore my family apart,” he said as I looked away. “I don’t want it to interfere with ours,”

”Our what?”

”Well, me, you, and Nichole. You hate music Savannah, but it’s one of my biggest passions. I want Nichole to love music too, if she does and wants to and she seems to like it but knows you hate it,” Nick said as I closed my eyes. “Not for me and not for you, but for Nichole, will you please give it a chance?”

“Why do you care so much?” I asked him as he smiled. “Don’t smile okay. Why do you care so much about this?”

“Because you don’t know what you’re missing. You want so badly to be in love and all of those things but you haven’t heard a ballad expressing that with music, or someone singing their soul out to a person, telling them how badly they’re in love with them. You’re missing so much,” he said as I looked at him.

“Fine,” I replied, standing up. I walked back into my room, looking at the stereo. I just stared at it until Nick walked into the room. “I don’t know what to do. I’ve never played a CD,”

“Here,” Nick said. I took a step back and watched him as he turned the cd on, playing it very low. “You can barely hear it right?”

”Right,” I replied, crossing my arms.

“Listen,” Nick replied as he started to turn the volume up one notch.
I want to thank you for all the things you’ve done
The most for choosing me to be the one

It’s funny how life can take new meaning
You came and changed what I believe in

”Stop it,” I said, staring at him. “Stop it.”

”Okay, okay,” Nick replied, turning the stereo off. “What is it?”

“I couldn’t take anymore,” I replied, whipping tears away from my eyes. “I just can’t do it,”

”Come here, you did good,” he said, walking up to hug me. I felt his arms wrap around me and moved me up against his body. I looked around, feeling him rub my back with his hand and I backed away slowly. “You won’t start being a music addict at the beginning but you did good Savannah. You listened to twelve bars of music,”

”What song was that?”

”’I Got You’. It’s a song off my album,” he said as he smiled. “I haven’t really listened to it since I found out about Nichole but I guess it takes on a whole new meaning now,”

“Yeah, it does,” I replied, staring in his eyes. I had never noticed that they were so blue, especially in this lighting. “Thanks for understanding,”

“No problem,” he said. “Thanks for buying my CD,”

“No problem,” I replied, seeing him yawn. “Maybe you should go crash on the sofa.”

”I think I am. I’ve had a long day of doing absolutely nothing,” he said as I laughed, “Night,”

”Night,” I replied, watching him as he walked out of my room.

I sighed, putting my hands over my face. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know what was going on with me. Suddenly, standing here with him, I just looked at him in a whole new light. He understood me. I could tell by what he said in the living room about wanting so badly to be in love. He totally understands me and gets me. I don’t think that’s ever happened before in my life. I don’t even think I’ve ever told him that either.

I picked up his CD case, staring at his picture. I ran my finger over it, smiling slightly, wondering why in God’s name did this happen to me. God keeps throwing things at me and I keep hitting them either into the pitchers glove, getting a out or hitting a home run. With Austin, I got a out. I was fooled and lied to and I lost. With Nick, I’m not sure what’s going on with me.

After staring at his CD cover for a few minutes, I walked out of my room to see that he was already on the sofa. I walked over lightly, looking over to see that he was asleep. He must have passed out time he laid his head down. He looked so peaceful, with a smile on his face.

”Mommy, why are you staring at Daddy?” Nichole asked as I jumped, looking over at her door to see her standing outside of it.

“Sweetie, what are you doing up?” I asked, walking over to pick her up. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

”I wanna sleep with you Mommy,”

”Okay, come on,” I replied, walking towards my room. “I was just seeing if Nick was asleep yet,” I put her down on my bed and pulled the covers back.

“Mommy, since you don’t have a boyfriend now can Daddy be your boyfriend?”

“Oh baby, I don’t know about that,” I said as I laughed, reaching over to turn the lamp beside my bed off. “Does Nick ever talk about me a lot?”

“Daddy talks about you a lot and I talk about you a lot Mommy,”

“What does he say about me?”

”Mommy, that’s Daddy’s secret and I can’t say because I tossed the key away into the ocean,” she said as I smiled at her.

“Okay sweetie, go to sleep,”

”Night night Mommy,” she said, leaning over to give me a kiss.

“Sweet dreams,” I said, as she cuddled up next to me, closing her eyes.

I sighed, wondering what she meant by secret. I remember her telling me something about a secret before but I didn’t know what. They talk about me all the time she says. I need to get these thoughts out of my mind before I go absolutely crazy.

Crazy or develop feelings for Nick, whichever comes first.