Confession: I wanted romance, and I got it. I just got more than what I deserved.

The past two days I’ve done nothing, nothing at all. Diana has come over several times, apologizing over and over again for introducing me to him. I’ve told her time and time again that it wasn’t her fault. She had no idea that he was married, much less with three children.

When that thought crosses my mind, I can’t believe what an idiot I was. The more and more that I think about it, there’s no way an intern could work all of those hours at a hospital and go to school. He was obviously with his wife a lot of the time too, especially lately. It kills me to know that I was a mistress. I was taking his time away from his family. I know it’s not my fault because I didn’t know, but it still eats away at me.

Nichole has asked me why Austin hasn’t been by and I told her last night that we broke up and that he wouldn’t be back. To say the least she was thrilled. She was happy that he wouldn’t be back but told me that I was sad and that I would feel better in a few days. That’s when she wrote me a prescription for some happy pills. Nick said that I could get that prescription filled in a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Of course, he won’t let me drink anything.

He’s been around a lot the past two days. One of the guys had to fly to Los Angeles for some other business so they’ve taken a few days off from recording. He’s been staying here, day and night. He’s taken Nichole to school and picked her up. He’s done almost everything, including trying to make me get out of my little bout with depression.

It isn’t working.

“And Nichole is off to school,” Nick said, walking into the apartment. I looked at him and then at the clock to see that it was a quarter after nine. “Savannah, are you going to sit around the apartment again today?”

”What else do I have to do?” I asked. “I don’t have a job. I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m a slut and I’m a mistress,”

“Savannah, for the hundredth time, you’re not a slut,” he said, tossing my keys on the table. “Come on, take the job with the group and that way you can say that you don’t have a boyfriend,”

”Thanks,” I replied dryly. “My life was going so well a few weeks ago and now look at it. I was used and I was fired from this great job.”

”Savannah, seriously, take the job we offered. I can call management and the label and we can have a meeting about it,” he said, sitting across from me on the coffee table.

“I can’t write about a musical group when I don’t know the music,”

”You’ve never heard a song of ours?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s not that I don’t like it, I just have never heard it, but maybe I can write about it.”

”Want me to sing something to you?” Nick asked. I shook my head and looked down at the blanket that was covering me. “Listen, I know that music hurt you and your family but it’s not a bad thing.”

”Austin made fun of me the other day for being afraid of music,” I whispered, looking up at him. “Do you think it makes me a weird person?”

”It makes you different,” he said as he moved over, sitting beside me on the sofa. “It doesn’t make you weird though. Some people don’t like music. I love it; it’s how I express myself, like you with your writing. It’s how I get my release,”

”I understand you,” I said, looking up. “I understand what you mean about you use music to express yourself. That’s exactly what I do with writing,”

“See, you understand me now,”

”Do you wish that Nichole’s birth mother had her instead of me? I mean, would you rather be hanging around her more than me?”

”What do you mean?”

“Am I a better person that her? Do you like me more than her? I mean, I don’t know, I just know that you’ve had some sort of relationship with her and I don’t know much about your past relationships, but am I that repelling to guys?” I asked, looking at my hands again. “I mean, all of the single guys out there, I can never find one but the one I find and I like, he’s married with kids.”

“Think of it this way,” Nick said as I looked at him. I pushed my hair behind my ears, staring at him. “He cheated on his wife with you. If he loves her as much as he claims that he did, he risked his marriage and family, just so that he could be with you. You know why?” I shook my head again. “He did it because you were worth it. You’re not just some slut that goes around, spreading her legs to just anybody and he knew that. I know that. You’re a much better person that the chick that I got pregnant. I was young and stupid then and I cheated on my girlfriend at the time with her. It was a big mistake and I was young and stupid then, but at least one good thing came out of that and that was Nichole.”

“You wouldn’t cheat on your girlfriend now?”

“Never. I was young and immature then,” he said, looking up at the ceiling. “When I find the girl that I’m gonna marry, whenever that may be, I might look at another girl and think that they are cute. I’m a guy. I have hormones, but I’ll never touch another girl. Never,”

“I think I was wrong about you when we first met,” I whispered, looking away. “I thought you were the typical rock star. I’m sorry how I treated you that night,”

”It’s fine,” Nick replied, nudging me a little with his shoulder.

“Do you regret Austin being your first?”

”Honestly? Yes, I really regret it but I can’t undo it. It was good, but now every time I think of my first time, I’ll think about being lied to,” I replied, looking at him. “Why do you ask?”

”Can I tell you something and hope to God that you don’t think I’m out of line?” Nick asked as I nodded my head. “I wanted to be your first,” I paused, looking away from him. “It’s not that I’m some freak that likes to go around popping girls’ cherries. It’s just that Nichole is your daughter and she’s my daughter too and you know, at least it would have been with someone who you know will always be in your life,”

“I’m sort of speechless,” I replied, looking back at him. “I mean, in a way it’s sweet but in another way, I’m wondering what kind of drugs you’re on.” He started to laugh and I looked away again. “At least it’s over with though and I don’t have to go on worrying about becoming a fifty year old virgin,”

“You never would have been a fifty year old virgin,” he said, leaning back on the sofa. I looked at him, watching his eyes search the ceiling. It looked as though he was thinking or maybe just bored. “I mean,” he paused when there was a knock at the door. “I’ll get it.” I watched him walk to the door and looked out and he paused. “I’m not opening it,”

”Why?” I asked, standing up from the sofa. “Who is it?”

”Austin,” Nick replied. I stared at him and unlocked the door, opening it up to see Austin standing outside.

“Austin, I told you I never wanted to see you again,” I said, seeing him as he gave Nick a glare. “I never want you to come back here again, okay?”

”I’m going to tell my wife about you,” he replied as I looked over to see the older woman that lived in the apartment next to me stare at us as she went into her apartment. I moved over, letting him come in and then looked at Nick. “I’m going to tell her about you and I’m going to tell her that I love you –“

”What a crock –“ Nick muttered as he looked at me. “Savannah, tell me you’re not going to fall for this crap,”

”Hey, don’t you have some little girl to sing to, to make her cry or something?” Austin asked, staring at Nick. “This is between Savannah and I,”

”And I don’t want you talking to Nick like that,” I replied, looking at Austin. “You can go tell your wife whatever you want but I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I trusted you a lot and the other day just proved to me that you never cared about me and I don’t want you. Go back to your wife and Children –“

“What I’m trying to say is that I’m going to tell her that it was a mistake getting back with her and that I want to be with you,” he replied, walking closer to me. “Yeah I was a little mean the other night. I was upset and I was already pissed off to the limit before you even came over. I’m sorry okay,” he said, reaching for my hand but I moved it away.

“Leave your wife but you’re just going to end up alone. It’s over.”

“Yeah it’s over,” Nick added in, crossing his arms.

“You know what, I’m sick of your shit,” Austin said, walking towards Nick. I moved in between them and stopped him. “Are you choosing Nick over me?”

”I’m choosing me over you,” I replied, staring into his eyes. “I loved you and I was really falling in love with you but you lied to me Austin. I can’t live knowing that I took three innocent children’s father away from them. My parents were taken away from me. I’m not gonna go down that road. Even if there were no kids, you lied to me and it wasn’t some small deal, you’re married,”

“Okay,” Austin replied, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek. I turned my head, not wanting him to but he did it anyway. “Then I’m just going to move. I can’t stay in the same city as you, knowing that you’re here. It would never work.”

“Do what you have to do,”

”I guess I will,”

”Okay,”

“If it’s worth anything, I’m sorry. I didn’t want it to end up like this,” he said, walking back towards the door.

“No cheater would,” Nick muttered. I looked back at him as he looked away.

“Yeah, well,” he said, opening the door up. “It was nice knowing you and I love you,”

”Bye,” I replied, watching him close the door. I crossed my arms, looking down, trying not to cry. I knew that it wouldn’t take much for me to break and I knew that point was coming. “He was gonna leave his wife for me,”

”Savannah, it’s not worth it. Look, he’s a cheater. He cheated once, he’ll cheat again,” Nick replied, walking up to me. “You did the right thing and you know it,”

“I know I did,” I whispered, feeling his arms around me. I looked around for a second until I realized that he was giving me a hug from behind. “Nick?”

”Yeah?”

”Why are you hugging me like this?”

”Uh,” he said, moving away. “I’m sorry. I’m just a very affectionate person. I always have been, ask the other guys. I wasn’t trying to hit on you. I was just trying to comfort you,”

“It’s okay,” I replied, smiling a little. “I actually feel better about the Austin thing now. I guess I needed that closure, huh?” He nodded his head, smiling slightly. “Listen, talk to whoever you have to about that job you offered me. I need to put myself to work instead of sitting around forever,”

”You mean it?” Nick asked. I nodded my head and crossed my arms. I was serious, for once in the past few days, I was definitely sure about something. “Great, I’ll go call management and all so that when all the guys get back here, we can go into a meeting,”

”Okay. I’m gonna go in my room and take a shower and get dressed,” I replied, smiling at him. I walked up to him, giving him a small hug. “Thanks and I really mean that,”

”No problem,” he replied. I smiled, and walked to my room, pondering different thoughts that were going through my mind.

I felt better about the Austin situation now. I think it was something that I had to go through, to become a stronger person. Then again, I’ve been tested many times now and you would think God knows how strong I am, but I guess not.

Ever since I found out that Austin was married, I’ve come to appreciate Nick more. He could simply be in Nichole’s life and not even worry with me and my troubles. He doesn’t do that. He honestly cares about what happens to me. He doesn’t have to be at this apartment right now but he is. The one thing that I don’t understand is what he said about wanting to my first.

Sure, I can understand his point a little. I’m Nichole’s mother and he is her father. My first time should have been with someone special and at the time, I thought Austin was special. Unfortunately I was wrong and he isn’t special. He’s nowhere near it.

Now, I just have to move on. I have to start my life over and into a new direction and I think I know where that direction is.

As I sit down on the edge of my bed, tightening the towel around my chest, I dial a number on my phone. I sat there, listening to the ring tone until I heard someone answer.

“Joe Don, it’s Savannah. I really need to talk to you,” I whispered into the phone, smiling.