Fact: If I stay jobless for a long time, I’m going to gain weight.

Have you ever had the small Little Debbie snack cakes that you buy from the grocery store? I love them. They are my weakness, well besides sex now. I’ve had an addiction to them ever since I was a small child. I’ve found myself sitting there, eating them continuously today until I realized that I’ve eaten a whole box.

Sure, I’m a bit depressed over the Joe Don incident last night, but it was obvious that I would be. I stayed up talking to Nick late last night after Nichole finally went to sleep and I feel better about the situation. The only thing that I don’t feel good about is the fact that I haven’t talked to Austin in almost twenty-four hours. I mean, I know he’s busy but he has breaks, he could call to say hello.

I guess I should get used to dating a doctor. Maybe I should just take the job that Nick and his friends offered me. It would give me something to do besides sit on my ass, eat, and watch soap operas.

No matter what I think about, my mind drifts back to Joe Don, wondering if I did the right thing. I couldn’t believe that actually happened but it did. He actually wanted me back and what did I do? I hurt him. Then again, he hurt me when he bragged about his new beauty queen girlfriend. I didn’t mean to hurt him on purpose.

Thankfully Nick is watching Nichole while I’m sitting here in Lenox Square Mall, sipping on a milkshake, pondering the meaning of life, love, destiny, and what the fuck is happening with my life. I sit and watch these people walking by, wondering what it would be like if I were living their life. I wonder what they would do if they were me. Would they have told Joe Don that they were in love with him, and totally forget about Austin? I doubt that they would.

I did – I feel like a bitch because of it too.

As I walk up to my apartment door, I stare at the carpet in the hallway where Joe Don stood the night before, kissing me. That’s when I realized that maybe I should tell Austin about what happened. He was my boyfriend and I kissed another guy.

I need to tell him.

I reached down, unlocking the door and opened it, seeing Nick and Nichole dancing in the living room to some very loud music. “STOP!”

“Mommy!” Nichole yelled, running up to me. I put my hands over my ears, staring at Nick as he jumped over, turning the TV off. “Mommy, daddy let me watch Britney Spears and we were dancing!”

“Okay sweetie, go in your room. I need to talk to Nick,” I said, tossing my purse in the corner. I looked down at Nichole to see that she looked a little upset, “Baby, I’m not mad at you. I just need to talk to Nick alone, okay?”

”Okay Mommy,” Nichole said as she walked into her room, closing her door slowly. I crossed my arms, glaring at Nick who was looking away from me.

“I told you –“ I started to say as he interrupted me.

“I know what you told me Savannah, but you weren’t here –“

”I don’t care if I wasn’t here, I don’t want any music here –“

”Music is my career, it’s the only love I have in my life right now besides my daughter, and it’s fun. She asked me to watch Britney Spears with her so I went and bought a DVD for her.” Nick said, walking towards the edge of the living room where I was standing, “Get mad all you want but music runs through her blood and if she wants to hear it, I’m going to let her.”

”Not… in… my… house!” I yelled, walking up to him. “I don’t listen to it. It’s what tore my whole life apart and ruined me and my family. I don’t want to hear it in my home. I don’t want to hear it ever. I don’t ever want to walk in here and hear some slut who sells her body and has no talent on my television!”

“What’s Britney’s body and sex appeal got to do with you and music?”

“It’s stupid okay! I don’t want my daughter around that shit because it makes people superficial,” I said, turning around to walk to the refrigerator. “Kind of like you were on that date of ours.”

“What?” Nick asked, following me into the kitchen. “Did you just call me superficial?”

“Well saying ‘She’s bigger than most girls that I date’ is a bit superficial to me,” I replied, staring at a picture of Nichole on the refrigerator. “I’ve battled with being bigger than most girls my whole fucking life and I was at a low point in my personal life when I went on that date with you and it made me feel like a even bigger loser,”

“I didn’t say that meaning that you were fucking fat,” he said, grabbing my arm to turn me around. “There’s a few things you don’t know about me,”

”Like what?” I asked, staring at him, “Let me guess, you’re not superficial and you subscribe to those freaky big girl porn magazines or something and you date the skinny girls just because you’re a ‘rock star’.”

“I’m not superficial because I battle with my weight too,” he said as I looked down at his t-shirt that he had on. “No, look at me,” he said. I moved my eyes back up to his, seeing my reflection in them. “My ex-girlfriend used to tell me that I was fat all the time. I had people at the label make me work out to loose weight. I’ve had fans and the media call me fat,”

“You’re not fat,”

”No, I’m not and I could have called you fat that night when I was on the phone with Rok, and I didn’t. I said you were bigger than most girls that I go out with but you are. You’re tall and you’re not a stick figure,” Nick said as he looked over, seeing Nichole standing in the corner. “Nichole go back in your room for a few more minutes.”

”Are you going to kiss?” Nichole asked as Nick looked back at me. I watched him as he looked at Nichole and shook his head. “Okay, I’m going back to my room Daddy,”

I took a deep breath, leaning against the refrigerator as he let go of my arm. I didn’t know what to say to him and I’m sure he didn’t know what to say to me, but I knew I had to say something.

“Nick, I just don’t want music here. I don’t care if you take her somewhere else to listen to it, that’s fine. I can’t keep her from it, but I don’t want to hear it,” I whispered, looking down at his t-shirt again. “I don’t really want to get into this argument right now after what happened last night.”

“With Joe Don?”

”It’s the reason we broke up in the first place, the music thing. It’s a big deal to me.” I reached up, wiping a few tears away from my eyes and looked at the ground. “It can’t come between us because of Nichole, so its best if we just keep that separated.”

“Us?”

”Her parents,”

”Right,”

“I’m sorry for calling you superficial,”

“I’m sorry for giving you the wrong impression that night,”

“What impression were you suppose to give me?” I asked, looking back at him. He laughed lightly and looked at me.

“You left abruptly so maybe you’ll never know,” he replied, walking away from me. I watched him walk to Nichole’s room and sighed, wondering what the hell he meant. I wondered exactly what the hell he meant about him having issues with weight.

That’s when I realized that I didn’t know Nick as well as I thought. There were a lot of things about him that I didn’t know; things that I needed to know for not only my curiosity but for my daughter’s also. I walked away from the kitchen, and looked into Nichole’s room to see Nick sitting down at Nichole’s little table, having a make believe tea party with her. I smiled, looking over at my desktop computer and decided I needed to go online.

Nickolas Gene Carter was born in Jamestown, New York on January 28, 1980. His little brother is also a singer, and he’s been singing since he was nine years old. He’s been a member of the Backstreet Boys since he was thirteen and his favorite color is green. Sadly, I’ve never seen him wear the color unless you count the hideous long cut-off camouflage pants that he wears.

The internet is a valuable source of information and I learned a lot about him that I didn’t know. He has had weight problems and from pictures that I’ve seen, his weight does go up and down every so often. I can’t believe anybody actually called him overweight or fat, because I don’t think he was.
The funniest thing about my little online Nick journey is that I saw a few baby pictures of Nick. There was one when he was just a small baby, in diapers and he looked just like Nichole did. If the picture didn’t look so old, you would think that it was her. From a picture I saw of his sister Leslie, I think Nichole resembles her a lot.

It was weird seeing pictures of Nick when he was an awkward looking sixteen year old. There were tons of pictures of him and the other guys in the group and it was nice to see them all together. I guess he really does consider them brothers like he told me in one of our earlier conversations. From the looks of it, they’ve been there for him more than his family.

I see how many fans love him and I wonder just what it is about him that they love. I wonder what his voice sounds like when he sings and what his group sounds like. I read a few lyrics from some songs, wondering just what it is that he sings about. Most of the songs are about love and they were romantic. It makes me wonder why a guy like him, who seems really nice and carrying, a superstar, rich, and semi-cute, is single.

“Savannah,” Nick said, walking out of Nichole’s room. I jumped, turning the monitor of my computer off and looked at him, “I was gonna tell you that she’s asleep so I was going to run and get some dinner but you closed that laptop so fast, you over there looking at porn or something?”

“No, not at all,” I said, smiling slightly. “Can I ask you something?”

”Sure,” he said, walking over to sit down on the sofa. “What do you want to know?”

“I was looking you up online –“

”Oh dear god, there’s no telling what you found,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Okay, no my ex-girlfriend Mandy was not abusive and no, my penis is not pierced –“

“No,” I said, laughing slightly, “Have you told your family about Nichole?”

”No, I haven’t.”

”Why not?”

”Because, my parents are in the middle of a divorce and my father is remarrying. There’s all these lawsuits going on with them and I don’t want to be involved. I don’t want Nichole to be involved in it so it’s best that they don’t know right now,” he said as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I wanna tell my brother but I know that he’ll let it slip.”

“I saw a picture of your sister Leslie and Nichole looks a lot like her,”

”Yeah,” he said, smiling, “I’ve noticed that too. She looks a little like Leslie did when she was her age,”

“You know what,” I said, pausing as I heard someone knock on the door, “Let me get the door –“

“Nah, I’ll get it,” he said as I watched him walk to the door. He looked out of the peephole and opened the door. “Rok, what are you doing here?”

”I came over, I tried to call but the line was busy –“ Brian said as he walked into the room, holding a newspaper in his hand.

“Yeah I took the phone off the hook,” I replied, smiling as I turned the computer off.

“Well Savannah, I brought something to show you,” Brian said, walking into the living room. I looked at him questionably and then looked at Nick. “Leighanne was looking at the local small Marietta newspaper and saw something that confused her.”

“What is it?” I asked as Brian unfolded the newspaper and handed it to me. I looked down at the paper to see the birthday announcements. “Why am I suppose to see this?”

”Look closely,” Brian said as I looked down at the paper. I blinked my eyes, holding the paper closer, “I knew that you didn’t know –“

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I read across the headline about a little boy’s birthday party. In the picture was the little boy and his parents, Austin and Liza-Beth Edwards. My Austin. My boyfriend Austin. My head was spinning and my heart was beating uncontrollably.

“What is it?” Nick asked, walking over to look at the paper. I gave it to him, and put my hands over my mouth, “Holy shit. He’s fucking married.”

“Savannah, I’m so sorry that I had to be the one to tell you this –“ Brian said as I looked at him.

“It’s fine,” I said, moving a strand of hair out of my face, “Thank you.” I looked at Nick as I started to walk towards the door, “Stay with Nichole until I get back.”

“Savannah!” Nick yelled as I walked out of the door, running down the hallway.