Confession - I feel victimized.

I was ready to leave New York City. I never wanted to go back again. Austin didn’t understand why I wanted to leave so quickly, but luckily enough we were able to catch a quick flight directly back to Atlanta. He kept talking to me, asking me what happened at the meeting but I was speechless.

What are you supposed to say when your only dream has broken into tiny pieces like a little branch on a dying Christmas tree?

You can’t say anything. Sure, you can cuss, bitch, and yell, but in reality, that does nothing. It doesn’t solve anything. You still do not get your dream back and you’re left with nothing but anger. That’s exactly what I’m left with right now. Susan lied to me. She flat out lied to my face and made me look like a complete idiot.

I feel used, cheated, and just plan victimized. I can’t help the way I feel. I feel like I’ve lost everything again. My job was my one stable thing in my life besides Nichole, and I’ve lost it. I have no idea how I’m going to support myself or my daughter.

I may have to end up leaving Atlanta to get a new job. There are not many jobs in this area for magazines. Maybe I could get a full time position at the newspaper with Diana, but that’s not my thing really. Just when I find Austin and Nichole has Nick, I may have to leave it all.

“Savannah, really – I wish you would talk to me,” Austin said as we stood in the elevator early that evening. “You haven’t really talked for hours, what is it babe?”

”They fired me,” I replied, looking over at him. “They thought my idea was trash, insulted my writing and they fired me. Sandra – my boss here – didn’t have the balls to do it herself.”

“Oh babe, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around me. I hugged him back lightly as the elevator opened on my floor. “I’m sure you’ll find a even better job Savannah. You’re talented and smart; you’re beautiful….”

“Thanks,” I replied, walking up to my door. “Nick was supposed to take Nichole over to his friend’s place I think so I’m just going to go in and take a bubble bath and relax.”

”Do you want me to stay over?”

”I would like that, but I really want to be alone right now.”

”I understand,” he whispered. He leaned up, kissing me on the lips softly. “I love you.”

”I love you too,” I whispered, looking at him as he walked down the hallway to the elevator.

I walked into my apartment, seeing toys all over the place. Obviously Nick had not attempted to make Nichole clean up her toys after she was done playing with them. Then again, what did he know about parenting really. I walked into my room, throwing my bag down on the floor and looked around. I wanted to call Diana and tell her what Susan did but I’m not. I’m not calling anyone. I would pay Diana and the rest of the Kiss & Tell office a visit tomorrow to get my thinks from my desk, and give them a piece of my mind then.

All I want now is a long, hot bubble bath and that’s what I’m going to get.
- - - -“What are you getting at?”

“You’re getting you’re two week notice,”

“My two week notice for what?”

”You’re fired,”

“Sandra didn’t have the heart to do it herself since she’s grown so close to you. I’m sorry Savannah,”

Two week notice – right, because I’m going to give them my two week notice. I’m not giving them that. I’m not writing another article for that magazine. I’m going tomorrow, getting my things and leaving. I planned it all out while taking a bubble bath. Now I’m just sitting in the corner of my room, with my hair all wet, wearing my robe, crying. I do this when I get upset. I just want to shut myself off from the rest of the world. I can’t take it.

I can’t believe how my day started out, and now it’s ending the way it is. I feel bad for being so distant with Austin, but I couldn’t help it. I ruined our little trip to New York City because I’m such a loser.
”Daddy, I’m going to go in my room and put my new toys up!”

“Okay baby.”

I sigh, knowing that Nick and Nichole were back. I didn’t know if I could even face them either. Maybe they won’t notice I’m back and I can stay in here until the morning by myself. Just as I think that, my door creeps open and I see Nick peeking inside.

“Savannah, what are you doing back?”

”Mommy!” Nichole yelled as she ran past Nick and into my room. She jumped in my lap, giving me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Oh Mommy, I love my Uncle AJ and Uncle Brian so much.”

”I’m glad sweetie,” I replied, kissing her on the forehead. “I miss you too.”

“Nichole why don’t you go pick up all your toys in the living room too?” Nick asked as Nichole smiled at him and ran into the living room. I looked away, laughing almost because she does everything he says. “Why are you home so early? Why are you sitting in the corner upset?”

”It’s not what you think,” I whispered, still not looking at him. I stared at the white carpet in my room until I saw Nick kneeling down in front of me. “I’m such a failure.”

”They didn’t give you the magazine after all?”

”No, they didn’t.”

”So, maybe after a year or two you can try again –“

”They fired me.”

”What?” Nick asked, sounding shocked. I sighed, looking back at him. “What in the hell did they send you to New York for? To fire you? That makes no fucking sense –“

”Watch your language around Nichole,” I said, looking back at the carpet. “Sandra, my boss here, couldn’t fire me because we’ve grown close so she built my hopes up only for them to come crashing down.”

”That’s mean,” he said as I nodded my head, agreeing with him. “Listen, something better will come along –“

”I don’t know Nick –“

”Sure it will –“

”In Atlanta? It’s not likely… I’m going to have to leave Austin after what happened with us and lift Nichole up and out of her life. I don’t want to do that Nick. I love living here,” I said, crying lightly. “I just feel so used and cheated –“

”I’ll help you find something –“

”Nick, no –“

”Listen, yes I will. I’ll help you find something,” he said, as I looked up at him. “I’ve got some contacts and I owe you a lot and it’s the least that I can do.” I smiled at him and looked back down at my hands. “So I guess you and Austin did it?” I started to blush a little. I couldn’t hold it back. “I take that as a yes. Did ya like it?”

”I loved it,” I whispered, looking in his eyes. “I think I’m falling in love with him, really.”

”That’s great,” Nick whispered as he moved his hand up to my face, wiping a tear away. “Just don’t get so depressed about the job. You’ll find a better one.”

“Thanks,” I replied, looking down. “I would give you a hug right now but I would feel awkward.”

”Why?”

”I don’t know, I just would.”

”Would it be okay if I hugged you?”

”Would you feel awkward?”

”No,”

”Why not?”

”Because I’m able to control my feelings,” he replied. I gave him a questionable look as he leaned over and hugged me. “I like when people give me hugs when I’m upset, so I’m giving you one.”

”Thanks… I guess.” I replied. We backed away from one another and I looked over, seeing Nichole in the doorway. “Did you pick up all your toys?”

“I did Mommy,” Nichole said as she walked over, sitting down in between me and Nick. “Mommy, I have a question,”

”What baby?” I asked, moving her hair out of her face.

“Why don’t you and Daddy kiss and live together like everybody in my class’s Mommy and Daddy?” she asked, looking up at me with such innocent eyes.

“Because, Nick doesn’t live here in Atlanta; he’s just here for work right now –“

”Actually, I’m thinking about getting a place here,” Nick interrupting me as I looked at him. “I mean, Nichole is here and I don’t want to live in Los Angeles or Florida when she’s here. And Nichole, we don’t kiss because I have the cooties and your Mom doesn’t want them.”

”Daddy, you don’t have the cooties!” Nichole yelled, jumping up to hug him. I smiled, watching him hug her back. “I want to see you kiss Mommy,”

“Nichole –“ Nick said as she put her hands over his mouth. I laughed at her and then she looked at me. “Fine,” he said, moving her hands. He leaned past her, and closer to me so that he could kiss me on the cheek. “Happy now?”

”Yes,” she giggled, reaching over to hug me. “Daddy, I’m ready to take a bath now. Mommy gave me the cooties.”

”I did not!” I replied, laughing lightly. “Here, I’ll go do it –“

”Nah I got it.” He replied, standing up and looking down at me. “It was awkward at first but it’s alright now. I just let her play in the bubbles and all and she has a good time.”

“Okay,” I replied, watching them as they walked out of my bedroom. I smiled slightly, feeling almost a hundred percent better. It was sweet how Nichole wondered why Nick didn’t stay here with us all the time. I’m sure her little mind must be working overtime wondering why Nick just came into our lives. I’m sure - almost positive – that one day she will ask when she’s older. I don’t want her to know that she’s adopted.

It’s weird how in the past few weeks, my life has flipped upside down. I went from being a single parent and having two full time jobs, to having just a small job at the newspaper, the mother of a pop star’s child and falling in love with a medical student. I almost sound like I should be on a soap opera.

I always complained about how I didn’t have a life, or a man in my life and now I have two: Austin and Nick. Sure, they’re two very different men, but both seem to have good hearts. Both seem to care about me and my daughter, and although I’m sure Nick will be in my life for the next fifty something years because of Nichole, I want Austin to, too.

“Savannah,” Nick whispered as he slipped his head back in my door. “Do you want me to order you something to eat or anything?”

“Nah, I’m fine,” I replied with a smile.

“You sure?”

”Yes, I’m sure.”

”You mind if I stay over tonight?” he asked as I looked down at the floor, “Nick thought she would have two sleep overs with me but you came home early so –“

”Yeah, you can stay over,’ I replied, looking back at him. He smiled, leaving the door to go back to the bathroom where Nichole was. I sighed, leaning my head against the wall, hoping that Austin didn’t call. If he found out that I didn’t want him to stay and that I let Nick stay, he would get insecure about our relationship. I didn’t want Nick to stay, but I let him for my daughter.

The story of my life: everything is for my daughter.