Have you ever had a dream that felt like an out of body experience? Last night I dreamed that I was standing in front of the door to my birth mother’s home, waiting for someone to answer the door. She opened the door and looked just like me, except an older version, and welcomed me with open arms. I felt like I could see everything happening. I went to have dinner with my birth mother and her husband and my sisters and brothers and I felt like I was a part of a real family for once in my life.

Of course, sitting here on the plane, listening to Nick sing along softly to “You Give Love a Bad Name” by Bon Jovi is almost a whole other world away. It’s nothing like the dream world I had dreamt up the night before. Granted, I love sitting by him and watching his lips move without him even noticing, it’s not the same thing.

My father called my birth mother’s foundation and talked to her assistant who decided to set me up an appointment with Erica that afternoon. I am supposed to go and present a check to the Richards Literacy Foundation on behalf of Stellar Designs and then tell her she’s my mother. I’m not sure how that is going to work out. I just know that I’m scared as hell. Then again, she obviously knows that she gave birth to the youngest Davidson heiress. I just hope she remembers.

“Erin,” Nick whispered, taking his earphones off. “Are you okay? Are you nervous?” I nodded my head and looked away. I was extremely nervous. “Listen, if she gets upset that you’re there then she’s not worth your time,”

“Did you meet your birth parents?”

“Yep, both of them and neither wanted anything to do with me,” he said. I stared at him in response. How could anybody in their right mind not want to have anything to do with them? Were they insane? “It was a blow, but I eventually got over it. I mean, I’m living in California now. I have a great job. I’ve got a healthy daughter, and the money isn’t so bad either.”

Daughter?

“Daughter?” I asked, turning around in my seat. “You have a kid?” I was speechless. I had no idea what to say. I never heard anything about this. He never mentioned a kid before.

“Ah, yeah, I guess you didn’t know,” Nick said, reaching in the back of his jeans and pulled out his wallet. I watched him as he pulled out a few pictures and placed them in my hands. It was a little girl, obviously just a small baby, with blonde curly hair and huge blue eyes. “Her name is Katie. She’s nineteen months old.”

“She’s cute,” I whispered, handing him the pictures back. Kids, especially small ones, made me very uncomfortable. Our eyes met and he could tell I was confused. Why wouldn’t I be confused? Nobody ever mentioned that he had a kid before.

“I got drunk one night and slept with a really good friend who was a classmate of mine and she was working at Calvin Klein too,” Nick said, reaching to put his wallet back in his pocket. “Nothing had ever happened with us before that night and nothing happened afterwards. It was just a drunken accident.” I began to feel uneasy, hearing him call the situation a drunken accident. I felt like that about myself, except I was the result of a drunken act of violence.

“So where’s Katie’s mother now?” I asked, his eyes moving away from mine.

“She died during childbirth,” Nick replied, playing with his watch band. “So I was sort of turned into a father. My friend helps me take care of her and he’s taking care of her right now while I’m away,”

“I can’t believe you have a baby,” I whispered, looking down at my hands. I didn’t know what else to say to him. Did this change the feelings that I was developing for him? I never made it a secret that I never had any intention of having kids myself. I’m horrible with children. I’m better with animals than a crying baby with a shitty diaper.

“Disappointed aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t seem like the type of girl that likes babies or kids,” he said. I looked at him in return. He did know me pretty well if he could figure that out. That’s one thing that Daniel never realized. “I wasn’t the type either until I held her in my arms for the first time. You look down and see this small little thing that’s a part of you. Your blood is running through her veins and you just instantly fall in love with her.”

My heart melted. Those few words coming out of his mouth sounded like poetry to me for some reason. He was probably right. I would never understand the fascination with having a child until I actually had one.

“I’m sure you’re a great father,” I whispered. I didn’t know what else to say and that was the first thing that came to my mind. “I just never thought about having all of that. I don’t see myself as the housewife type,”

“Do I look like your normal father that works nine to five?”

“No.”

“That’s stereotypical stuff, Erin. You can be whatever you want to be and still have a family. When you do, make sure you do it the right way. I wish Katie had a real family with a mother and a father, but things happen. I’m giving her the best that I can,” Nick said, smiling at me before putting his earphones on.

Sitting there thinking about what he said, I wondered if him having a daughter was a sign that I shouldn’t attempt to go against my father’s office policy. Maybe I should keep things on a professional level with him. Then again, this trip is on a personal level and my father knew that.

I need to talk to my father about Nick once and for all, no beating around the bush.

Nick and I walked off of the elevator in some fancy downtown Atlanta office late that afternoon. I was extremely nervous and he looked as calm as could be. I decided to change clothes before we left our hotel where we shared a suite – obviously with two bedrooms. The short black skirt probably wasn’t the best thing to wear, but it didn’t look dressy enough for the Governor’s wife – and my mother.

“Mrs. Richards will be with your shortly,” the receptionist said as Nick and I walked over to sit down. I sat directly beside him and as I sat there, trying to catch my breath, I felt his hand on top of mine. Why did he do that? I looked up, seeing his eyes look into mine and I could have kissed him right then and there.

“It’ll be fine,” he whispered. I stared at his lips, watching them until finally I looked up to see the secretary standing before us. “Go Erin,”

“Sorry,” I said, looking at Nick as I stood up. I followed the secretary to the huge double doors and she opened them for me, as if I couldn’t do it myself. When I stepped inside of the doors, I saw her.

My mother.

She was standing in front of a desk, with her shoulder length blond hair and dressed in a white and light gray business suit. She looked like me, except older. In fact, I began to wonder if that was how I would look in thirty years.

“Hi Ms. Davidson, I’m Erica Richards,” she said, reaching over to shake my hand. I looked at her hand, touching mine and realized that I wasn’t shaking a random stranger’s hand. I was shaking my mother’s. “What can I help you with today?”

“Oh, I’m here to make a contribution to your foundation,” I said, reaching in my purse to pull out the check that my father had written. I was stuttering, trying to find words to say but I had no idea what to say. “It’s not much, but it’s the least that we could do,”

“Oh anything is better than nothing,” she said, taking the check from me. I watched her as she unfolded it to see the amount: $500,000.

“Oh goodness this is way more than I expected,” she said. I noticed her eyes move up to see who made the check out. She froze. I saw a weird look in her eye as she looked back at me. She knew who I was.

“You’re Erin Davidson aren’t you?” she asked, staring at me. “The fashion girl. I thought you looked familiar but I figured it was just a name coincidence.”

“Oh you know who I am?”

“Well I do read magazines.”

“I know the truth,” I said, startling her. “That’s why I’m here.”

She took a step back, staring at me. I knew that somewhere deep inside, she was freaking out just like I was at that exact moment. She stared at me, looking as if she had never seen me before in her life. “What truth are you talking about?”

I wanted to laugh. Did she really think that I didn’t know? I didn’t fly all the way here to give her a check for some foundation that I didn’t know anything about.

“I’m your daughter,” I whispered, looking directly into her eyes. As I stared, I realized that it was like looking into my own eyes – I had her eyes and her nose. “My father told me everything recently and he hired someone to find out where you were.”

“He promised he would never tell you.”

“My mother, sorry, his wife is a bitch who always treated me differently. My sister finally got the courage to tell me the truth and my father confirmed it,” I said, watching her. She walked around her office with a stunned look on her face. “Listen, I don’t expect to jump into your family and be the long lost daughter type thing – I just wanted to meet you.”

“Yes, because nobody knows about you,” she said, pointing at me. “I don’t mean to sound cruel but you are a part of my past that I wanted to forget.”

“I know. I just have a question,” I said, crossing my arms. She looked at me questionably. “Why did you just give me to them?”

“Because, I didn’t want you Erin,” she whispered. “You reminded me of what your father did to me. I had this reminder in me for nine months and when it was over, I wanted it to be completely over. I wanted to have an abortion but your father refused. Your mother wanted me to have one and tried to pay me to do it. Your father offered me more money, so I gave birth to you.”

My eyes were starting to well up. That is not what I wanted or expected to hear. I thought she would say that they made her give me up. I never expected to hear her say that she didn’t want me. I didn’t expect to find out that she almost killed me before I ever had a chance to live. My own mother that I grew up with and claimed to love me even tried to kill me.

My heart was beating fast and my face was turning red. I stood there listening to her tell me how great her life is now because she got rid of me. She told me if she had kept me, she would be in some trailer park in Alabama. I don’t think she was saying it to be mean in general. I think she was just being honest with me. It didn’t matter – it hurt.

“Listen, I just wanted to meet you and to say that I met my real mother. I’ll let you go back to your life now with your real children,” I said, turning around.

I rushed out the door and past Nick who was sitting in the waiting room. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I wanted to go back to the hotel, get some sleep and go home, back to my real life – not some life that I only dreamed about.

“Erin,” Nick said, running up to the elevator door before it closed. He walked inside, seeing me in the corner, trying to hide my face. “It’s not worth it, Erin.”

I began telling him how she and my mother wanted an abortion. As I told him, I still couldn’t register the thought of my father being the only one that wanted me. It was still so foreign to me. Before we reached the first floor, he was holding me in his arms, hugging me.

“You don’t need her,” he whispered as I moved away from him. I stared into his eyes, not even noticing his hand as he wiped a tear from my cheek. “You have too many other people that care about you.”

“Not that many, mostly my father and Lily. Then if you count Daniel,” I said, stuttering a little as our eyes never left one another.

“I care about you Erin,” he said, looking away. “I probably shouldn’t, but I do.” I watched his eyes as they moved back at mine, never looking more true than they did at that exact moment.

“Maybe we should go back to the room.”

I smiled. I couldn’t agree more.