“He didn’t want you to go down on him?” Lily asked the next afternoon at dinner. “How is that even possible? Does he not have anything down there or something? I mean obviously you would know.”

“Yes, he does have something down there, but he just didn’t want me to. He said he’d rather please me,” I said, looking around the restaurant shyly. I really didn’t want anybody to over hear me.

“So, how was it?”

“Didn’t do it.”

“And why not?”

“His daughter started crying,” I replied. I took a sip of my drink and saw her smile. “It’s not funny because I didn’t know the kid was coming over. I was getting all worked up and turned on and bam, it’s over just like that.”

“You have to learn to deal with it, Erin. You’re interested in a man with responsibilities. You’ve got to share an interest in those responsibilities to stay on his good side,” Lily said, laughing at me. “Besides, seeing you with a kid – the thought alone cracks me up.”

I rolled my eyes at her. It wasn’t funny at all. What was so funny about me and a kid, a little girl at that?

“What’s so funny about me with a little girl?” I asked, sounding very curious.

“Erin, I love you but you’re spoiled,” Lily said, smiling at me. “I just can’t see you with a kid or with a guy that has a kid.”

She was right. I was spoiled. I had to get everything I wanted. Hell, when I couldn’t have Nick, I somehow got him which just spoiled me more. Now, I can’t be spoiled anymore because I don’t come first, his daughter does.

“I’m not sure if I can do this,” I replied, looking at her. “I love being with him and all but, I just don’t know if I can date a guy that has a kid.”

“You can, you just have to remember you don’t come first, like you said earlier,” Lily said, smiling at me again. “I like seeing you happy like this. I can tell you really like him and well, no matter what your father says, you two dating is a good thing.”

Yeah, a good thing.

 I sat in my office later that night, staring over some reports that I had to send to the accounting department. I hated anything that dealt with accounting and math in general, but my father insisted I do it.

This time of the year is always the busiest for me due to the fact that we are so hell bent on going head first into the whole Spring Collection. I can’t stop thinking about what Lily said at dinner this afternoon. Is Nick having a child a good thing for me?

Sure, if this whole thing is meant to be, I’ll have an responsibility too but that alone scares me. I also have another question: If Nick is so scared of commitment, how can he commit himself to raising a child that he is so crazy about?

“Erin, what are you doing?” I heard my father say. I looked up at him, seeing that he was putting his suit jacket on. “Are you about to fall asleep? Do you want me to drive you home?”

“No, Daddy, I’m fine. I was just thinking that’s all,” I said, smiling slightly. “Dad, can I ask you something?”

“Sure darlin’,” he said, sitting down in the seat across from me. “What are you thinking about?”

“I want you to be honest with me,” I said. He nodded his head and I sighed. “Am I spoiled? I mean, am I so spoiled that I think and do for only myself?”

I could tell my father didn’t want to answer that question. That action alone told me my answer. I was spoiled. I was a spoiled little rich girl who will never end up making a life for myself because I will be stuck with a business that I didn’t create.

“Erin, you’re not spoiled like some young women your age who come from wealthy families,” he said, scooting closer to the edge of the seat. “You do like to get your way a lot and I know that from experience,” he said. I smiled slightly and looked away. “When you want something, you’re passionate about it and you stop for nothing until you get it.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“It’s a very good thing,” he said as he stood up. He leaned over my desk and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “You leave in a little bit now. I want you to get some sleep tonight. You look like you didn’t sleep much last night.” I told him goodbye and sighed.

He was right about that – I was very passionate about what I wanted. I always seemed to get what I wanted and I guess in a way people found that to be spoiled, but at least I worked for it. I didn’t just cry and beg someone for something. I worked hard for what I wanted.

“Nick,” I said, pressing a button on my speaker phone. “Can you come in here when you get done with whatever you’re doing?”

I pulled a mirror out of my desk drawer, looking at myself quickly. I looked like hell, probably because I didn’t sleep too much the night before. At least my father could tell that much about me.

I leaned back in my chair, closing my eyes and smiled. I had to start making a life for myself. I was twenty-seven years old now. I needed to make something of myself besides everything that I’ve been doing. I needed to do something to draw media attention to the new line and the company.

“Yes beautiful?” I heard Nick say.

I opened my eyes to see him peeking into my office from the front door. “Is your Dad gone?”

“Yeah, he just left,” I said, smiling. “I have a question for you. What can I do to make something of myself and draw attention to the company and your new line?”

“What exactly do you mean?” he asked, walking over beside me and leaned against my desk. “Do you mean like interviews or centerfolds and crap like that… that the cheesy people do?”

Centerfolds? Playboy? I looked away, thinking about that concept until I heard him laugh.

“What?”

“Don’t even think it. Your father would kill you before he let you do something like that even though I’m not sure if you would.”

“I don’t know,” I said as I stuttered lightly. “I don’t really know how to say what I’m thinking or maybe I’m just confused like I always am.”

“Are you thinking too hard princess?” he said in a flirty tone, twirling my chair around. He put his hands on the arm of my chair, leaning down and smiling at me. I nodded my head, staring in his eyes wishing that I could take him right now, right there. I just knew I couldn’t. “I don’t know if I apologized about last night.”

“It’s fine, I understand,” I whispered, looking down at the belt he had on. “I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t confused as hell about why you wouldn’t… you know.”

I looked up to see him smiling at me. What the hell was there to smile about? He didn’t want me to give him a blow job or to tease the living hell out of him but he was more than willing to do it to me.

“I wanted to taste you first,” he whispered, leaning closer to my lips. “I’m weird when it comes to stuff like that. I’m not that big of a fan, but I wanted you to, trust me I did.”

My heart was beating way too fast now. I was so lost in his eyes that I couldn’t even blink my own.

“Is Jay watching Katie tonight?” I asked as he shook his head. “Then who’s watching her?”

“Katie’s grandparents are in town for a few days so she’s staying with them tonight,” he whispered as he leaned in closer to kiss me on the lips.

“What grandparents?” I asked, breaking away from the kiss. He smiled at me and I was even more confused.

“My parents surprised me this morning and are going to be staying here a few days, so she’s spending the night with them at their hotel,” he whispered, kissing my lips again. “I told them I had to work really late and they didn’t want to intrude on Jay at the apartment so they got their own room.”

“Oh, okay I forgot you had parents,” I said, causing him to laugh lightly. “You want to go back to your place?” I smiled. He didn’t even have to ask.

---

Our sweaty bodies were practically sticking together a few hours later. The funny thing is we never had sex. We kissed and touched one another and that’s all. Hell, I was still in my bra and underwear and he still had on his boxer briefs. I had never done that before. I wanted to stop the kissing for a few minutes and say something to him but I could never find the words.

What would I say? Hey, stop the kissing for a minute and let me catch my breath? No, I would never say that. Hell, I never wanted the kisses to end.

“Erin,” he whispered as I moved my lips away from his. I was on top, straddling him and sat up, looking down at him. “How afraid of commitment are you really?”

Wow, there was a question that I wasn’t expecting. I had no idea how to answer it either.

“I don’t know, I guess when it doesn’t feel right, I’m scared of it and my only way of saying so is to just end it and run away. Why?”

“I’m not afraid of it when I’m with you,” he said, propping himself up on his elbows.

My heart skipped a beat. Did he really just say that or was I imagining things?

“I don’t know why, but it’s almost like it was with Katie, the first time I held her. I was afraid up until that moment but I changed.”

“What are you trying to say?” I asked, staring into his eyes as he sat up fully, facing me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, smiling at me.

“That I don’t feel afraid of commitment when I’m with you. I’m comfortable with you and I don’t think I could ever grow tired of you,” he said, as he smiled.

My eyes were starting to well up. I didn’t want to cry and I wasn’t sure why I was about to cry. I never cried at things like this.

“Okay I wasn’t saying this to make you cry.”

“No, I’m not crying,” I whispered as a tear fell down my cheek. I started to laugh and looked away.

“Three months ago if I was single and dating around, if a guy I was dating and liked had a kid, I would dump them.”

“Why?” Nick asked with a concerned look on his face.

“I didn’t want that. I never wanted a family,” I whispered, looking down at our stomachs pressing together.

“I guess it’s because mine was always so abnormal and I felt like an outcast with my sister and mother.”

“Then why didn’t you stop with me when you found out about Katie?” he asked.

I looked away, staring at a picture that was on the wall.

“Erin?”

“Because it doesn’t scare me when I’m with you,” I whispered and looked back at him.

“I don’t know why and even Lily found that shocking because she knows how I am. Maybe it has something to do with finding out about my true paternity and my relationship with my mother healing. I don’t know why but I like it and I wish that I didn’t have to hide it.”

“Erin, you don’t have to cry,” he whispered, leaning up to kiss me softly on the lips and wrapped his arms around me tightly hugging me.

I didn’t know what had just happened with us. I didn’t know if this was some sort of “I love you” in a secret code or what.

The question was, did I love him, was I falling in love with him and most importantly, how did I fall in love with him? I knew that I needed to talk to someone about this and not Lily. She knew way too much about my love life to talk to about this. I could always go and hire a shrink, but that would be a total stranger who I would have to tell my life story to. I wonder if I could trust my mother enough to tell her?