I have never in my life been so happy to be in a huge bubble bath, alone and with my thoughts. Nick and I came back to our hotel suite and I asked him instead of trying to be a therapist to me, to let me just go take a long, nice bath. He didn’t have a problem with that and so here I am – thinking.

Thinking isn’t really a good word for what I’ve been doing. I’ve been more or less recollecting thoughts into my head of past memories from when I was growing up all the way up to an hour and a half ago. I’ve set here and wondered what life would be like for the others if I had never existed.

Would Lily have graduated college with her Bachelor’s degree if I had not been here, pushing her along? Would my family’s business still be running if I was not here two years ago when we had our worst season ever and I brought them back with the idea of a new junior’s line? Would Daniel be somewhere, happily married with a family if I was never born so that he could waste a few years of his life on?

The thought of my birth mother and my mother that raised me, wanting to kill a poor innocent fetus, which just happened to be myself, killed me. Sure, when I had a pregnancy scare a while ago, I contemplated the idea of an abortion because I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Now that I know my very own existence was tempted by fate, I don’t know if I could ever go through with that.

I always questioned my relationship with my father, even though it was better than my relationship with my mother. He was never a very loving and affectionate father. He wasn’t the type of father to tuck you into bed at night with a little kiss on the cheek. In fact, he rarely came to one of my class productions or basketball games. He was very business oriented and made it known that he wanted me to be the one to carry on that tradition. He made me grow up around the office and in the factories throughout the country where people make the clothes.

I always thought he thought of me as the next president of the company. He was always over protective of me when it came to guys and practically stalked me on my very first date at sixteen. My first year of college, he hired a bodyguard for me because he didn’t trust college boys.

Now I know that he really does love and care for me like a father should. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be alive. I would have never been given a chance to be born or to prove myself. I wonder if the only reason he wanted to her to give birth to me is because he already felt guilty enough for raping her. Maybe he didn’t want to feel even guiltier for basically killing his own flesh and blood who was never asked to be conceived?

I think when we go back home, I need to have a long talk with my parents, both of them – especially my father. I need to talk to my parents about the whole abortion situation. I need to talk to my mother and find out if she really does honestly despise me because I’m not her natural child. I also need to talk to Tabitha and see when she learned the truth and if that’s the reason we have never been as close as most sisters are. I need to talk to my father about everything. I want to find out why he wouldn’t let her get an abortion and why he wanted me so badly. I think I also need to talk to him about Nick and not just ask if I could go out with him. That looks childish. Then again, maybe this Nick stuff can wait ‘til later. I have too much on my plate as it is.

“Feel better?” Nick asked as I walked out of my bedroom door with my huge white, fluffy robe tied around me. I nodded my head slowly and sat down beside him on the sofa, not even wanting to look at him. I didn’t know what to say to him after that look we gave to one another in the elevator. I ran my fingers through my wet hair, and then looked at him.

He looked worried. He had this intense look on his face that he showed that he was genuinely worried about me. I sighed, looking at the television to see that he was watching The Weather Channel.

“A hurricane is hitting Savannah tomorrow so I doubt we’ll be able to fly back home,” he said, putting the remote down on the table beside him. “You’re quiet. What’s wrong?”

“Too much thinking,” I whispered softly. “Everything I want to ask is just why? Why did my Mom want her to have an abortion? Why did my father want her to have me? How did Tabitha know this and I didn’t?”

“Just don’t think about it tonight, Erin. If you do, it’ll just drive you crazy,” Nick said, turning around to face me slightly. When he moved, his knee brushed up against my robe, showing my thigh. I noticed that he looked down and then back up at me. “Do you have something on under there?”

“Why?” I replied with a devilish smile.

“Because…”

“Yeah, I have on what I usually sleep in. That’s why I put this on,” I said, moving my robe from my shoulder to show him the strap from my little tank top. He smiled slightly and looked away, knowing that I wanted to ask him why he cared for me. That thought hadn’t left my mind either.

“Okay, good,” he whispered, reaching over to pick the remote up. I watched as he flipped the channels on the TV, obviously nervous about something. “You know, I was talking to your father yesterday at the office about something really interesting.”

“What?”

“When the new line comes out, he thinks you should be the spokesperson,” Nick said, looking at me. I was in shock. Did my father really think that or was he just trying to get brownie points for lying to me all of my life? “Okay so maybe it was my idea, but I think it would be great. He thinks so too and wanted me to run it by you,”

“Why?” I asked. I was in total disbelief about the whole situation.

Nick smiled and went on to tell me that he thought I would be the perfect person to take the company back up to the very top of the fashion game. He said that I had celebrity, which to me isn’t much, but he says my life fascinates people. He said that since I’m the future of the company that I should be in with the promotion of the line that is the future of the company.

“Don’t you think it’s a great idea?” he asked, smiling at me. I nodded my head and returned the smile, which caused him to smile even more. I had always wanted to be the spokesperson for the company, but never had anybody to drive me towards it. “I think you’d be wonderful for it.”

“Why?”

“Have you looked in the mirror? You’re beautiful.”

“You think so?” I whispered, watching him as he nodded. Before I could help myself, my lips were inches away from his and his eyes were engrossed in mine. “I want to kiss you, but I know I can’t.”

“Why do you want to kiss me? You’re not just saying that because you feel needy tonight are you?” he asked. I snapped out of my daze and looked at him questionably. Did he really think that or was that his way of pushing me away because he knew it was wrong. “I mean, when people are upset they do things like…”

“I don’t have sex when I’m upset,” I said, standing up. I looked down at him, wanting to do something but I had no idea what to do. “I just wanted to kiss you,”

“We can’t.”

“So I’ve been told,” I said, walking towards my bedroom door. I paused and turned around to look at him, “But I know you want to kiss me too and you can’t deny it either.”

“I knew you were going to say something about that!” Nick said, standing up to look at me. “So what? I care about you. I consider you a friend –“

“That you were willing to fuck in a public bathroom until you learned that I was your new boss’ daughter,” I said, watching him as he walked closer to me. He stared into my eyes again, looking as if he was searching for something.

Then he laughed.

“Yeah, you know, I wanted you so bad that night and I still want you but Erin, I’ve got responsibilities not only to your father but to my daughter. I want to be able to give her everything she wants, like your father did for you. I can’t do that if I get fired for messing around with his daughter,” Nick said. He walked closer to me, putting his hand on my arm. I thought for a second that he was going to kiss me, but then I became uncertain of what he was going to do.

“My father never gave me everything I wanted.”

“Name one thing he didn’t give you that you asked for.”

“You,”

I watched his face look almost in shock and then he smiled. “I asked him could I go out with you and he told me no, that it was too risky and that this line was important but yet he’s basically throwing us together.”

“It is risky Erin, I’m not very good with relationships. I’m terrified of commitment,” he said. I began to laugh and walked away. He looked confused for a minute and then started to laugh himself. “What’s so funny?”

“Commitment is my worst fear,” I said, smiling at him. “That’s why I could marry Daniel and I think deep down my father knows that and probably knows that if I get involved with you that it would end up the same way.”

“Well it would.”

“But you never know until you try,” I said. I looked down, untying my robe and slipped it off to reveal my little pink shorts and my little pink tank top.

“Don’t take that off and try to seduce me.”

“I’m not,” I said, laughing slightly. I tossed the robe on the sofa and looked at him. “I was getting hot from arguing, but Nick, think about your friend. You know, the one that had your kid. You never know what could have happened with her but you never tried so there are all of these ‘what if’ questions right?”

“Yeah,” he said, looking down at the floor. He was doing everything he could so that he wouldn’t actually look at me. He was quiet and wasn’t saying anything.”

“Did I make you mad?”

“No.”

“Then what is it?” I asked, walking closer to him. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s just that I did have a lot of those what if questions when Katie died –“

“Katie?”

“I named the baby after her,” he said as I smiled. “I mean we were really good friends, almost best friends and that one night changed our lives forever. Hell, she’s dead because I was drunk and probably came on to her.”

My heart was breaking from the look of hurt in his eyes. I didn’t know whether to hug him or just walk away. He looked so fragile that if I touched him he might break. “It wasn’t your fault that she died,” I whispered and before I knew it, his arms were wrapped around me again. He was holding me so tight that I could feel his heartbeat against mine.

“I like you Erin, but I can’t just think about myself and my needs,” he whispered into my ear, giving me chills. “I have people depending on me and I can’t let them down, so don’t think that I don’t like you because I really do.”

“I know,” I whispered. I wanted to cry because I was hurting so badly. I didn’t know whether I was hurting from all of the information I had found out from my birth mother that day or if I was hurting from a broken heart.

Was Nick my payback from God for hurting Daniel the way that I did?