Having dinner with my family is a disaster waiting to happen. Did I mention that it’s my entire family? Not just my parents and sister, but it includes my aunts and uncles and cousins; not to mention all of my friends. It’s nothing less than a fiasco.

And why my boyfriend Daniel insisted on us coming is beyond me.

He loves my family and my family loves him. In fact, if my father wasn’t around anymore, I wouldn’t be surprised if my mother ran off with Daniel to Florida. That’s how much they love one another. I, on the other hand, am not very fond of my family. It’s not that they have never done anything bad to me – it’s the fact that they’ve never done anything to or for me.
I’m invisible to them.

To them, I am just another name on the Christmas list that they must go to some cheap, retail store and buy a gift for that has no more meaning than an empty box of chocolates. And why they love Daniel so much and he loves them is beyond me.

In the past three years of our relationship, they have shown more interest in him than they have me. Maybe that’s because he’s a sports agent to some of the biggest sport stars and my cheap uncles want season tickets for free. That could be the case, or it could be because they just don’t care about me.

The reason Daniel wants me to come to these events is because he does care about me and wants me to actually learn to love my family. He says that in thirty years when I’m older and more mature, I’ll learn to understand the importance of family and why they have these gatherings. In thirty years, I’ll be fifty-six years old and I don’t plan on being around any of these people here, much less with a family of my own.

“Erin,” my mother called out, walking over to me with Daniel tagging behind her like a lost puppy. “Erin, why didn’t you tell me that you had to go to the doctor last week?” I looked at Daniel who shrugged his shoulders. How dare he tell my mother that I went to a gynecologist of all things for reasons that I would rather not tell my mother about.

“Darling, it’s okay if you’re not always feeling like having sexual relations with Daniel since you’re both so stressed at work,” she said. I froze in my tracks, looking dumbfounded. Did he really think I would approve of telling her this? I never talked to my mother about anything sexual except for one time.

A year ago, for an entire week, Daniel and I were not talking. My mother went into this whole drama-filled episode about how I wasn’t pleasing him enough and how I needed to step up to my girlfriend duties if I ever wanted to have any wife duties.

“Now Joan, I told you that everything was fine now,” Daniel said, giving me a weird look. He smiled at me and suddenly, I smiled back, almost forgiving him for telling my mother about the issues within my vagina. “Besides, that’s not the most important thing right now,”

“And what is?” I asked. Daniel took my hand, leading me out of the corner and to the center of the room. I looked around, seeing all of my family staring at us. I was uncomfortable and hated attention from them, especially because I could hear all of their thoughts, thinking of things that were wrong with me. “Daniel?”

I watched him pick up a glass of wine that one of the maids had just poured and told everybody to do the same. I was sure he was going to announce to everybody that my vaginal problems were cleared and we could have sex tonight. If he did, I would surely run straight out that door, change my name, and leave the country.

“I want to propose a toast to the most beautiful girl in this room, besides Joan of course,” he said. I rolled my eyes in return, wishing they would just get a room. “And not only the most beautiful girl, but beautiful woman, and the greatest girlfriend that a guy could wish for.” I listened to him ramble on for a few more minutes, wishing he would just hurry up. I had to use the bathroom badly and I hated being the center of attention.

“And that’s why I want to ask her to be my wife,” Daniel said. I paused. Did he say wife? Me? He couldn’t possibly have said that. I watched him as he got down on one knee, opening up a ring case with a beautiful pear shaped diamond inside. I stared at him, hearing gasp around the room. That made me wonder if they were genuinely surprised and happy for me or were they shocked that invisible Erin who could never do anything right, could land a great guy with a budding career.

“Erin, answer him,” my father said. I looked up at him, wondering what to do. Suddenly I felt my stomach start to turn. This was the reason for the dinner. He planned it with my whole family because we had once talked about men proposing to women. He said he thought it should be a family affair. Granted, he had no family since both of his parents died a few years ago, my family had become his family and he had planned this with them.

“I’m going to be sick,” I said, running towards the bathroom. I ran inside, shutting the door behind me and began crying. I began to feel sick again and the next thing I knew, everything I had eaten that night was now visible and going down the drain.

I didn’t know what was making me sick. I wasn’t sure if it was something I ate or maybe it was the fact that Daniel had just asked me to marry him. Why would he want to marry me? I know that he loves me, and he loves my family, but why? Sure, I said all along that he would be the one that I finally settled down with, but I never thought it would happen this quickly.

When we met three years ago, we immediately went head first into the relationship. It only took two dates for me to stay over at his place and four dates before he was leaving a toothbrush at mine. Then again, that’s how all of my five past relationships have been except this one has lasted longer than those five put together. I thought that it would be okay with Daniel and I wouldn’t get so freaked out if the “M” word came into play.

“Erin?” a soft voice said outside of the door. It was my best friend of sixteen years, Lily. She was here too, because obviously this was all planned. I should have known when even my dear Great Aunt Sally-Sue who is practically on her deathbed, was driven six hours just to get here for this dinner. “Erin?”

I opened the door slightly, letting her slip in. She tucked her long light brown hair behind her ears and looked at me. I looked away, wiping tears away. She knew exactly what was going on with me. “You’re freaking out aren’t you?” I didn’t have to answer her, she did know. “Erin, he’s out there waiting. If you don’t want to marry him, just tell him,”

She was right, I did need to go out there and tell him something but I didn’t know how. Usually when I broke up with guys it was only someone I had dated a few weeks or just a few months. I had never dumped a guy that I had started to build my life around without even knowing it.

“Erin, seriously, he loves you. This fear of commitment you have is going too far. Maybe you should talk to someone before you give him an answer,” Lily said, handing me a tissue. I wiped my eyes with it, trying to fix my smeared eye liner. My long, blonde hair looked flat now since I was holding it back while throwing up.

“I’m not ready for all of that,” I confessed, looking down at the tissue. I was folding the tissue, pretending it was Daniel and that he was the tissue. I wanted to make him as small as possible so that he would disappear forever. I wasn’t ready for marriage. I wasn’t ready to start a family which is exactly what was on his mind. In fact, I didn’t know if I ever wanted to start a family.

As I walked out of the bathroom, I paused: Daniel and my parents were waiting for me. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know which one to look at. Not only was I going to end up breaking Daniel’s heart, I would be breaking the heart of my parents who, I think, loved him more than me.

“Are you okay darling?” my mother asked, sounding concerned. I knew the only thing she was concerned about was marrying me off so that I could pop out babies and make her a grandmother. I nodded my head and looked at Daniel.

He looked sad and hurt. I think he knew what I was about to tell him. I could see it in his eyes. We had talked about my fear of commitment before and that’s why we never rushed this issue. I just assume that he’s tired of holding back and wants to know if I’m in it for the long run.

“I love you Daniel, but I can’t marry you,” I said, hearing my mother gasp. I looked at her and then at my father, seeing hurt wash over their faces. “I know you guys love Daniel and I do too,” I said, looking back at Daniel. He was hurt too and tears were forming in his eyes. “I think we just want different things and I’m not ready to be married, I’m sorry,”

I walked up to him, kissing him lightly on the lips before whispering “I’m sorry” to him. He gave me a weak smile before I turned around and walked out of the foyer, going towards my parents’ front door.

I needed to leave. I didn’t want to go back in there and face my family for them to only think that I was more of a failure than I was before. I didn’t want any of them to have the satisfaction of snickering at Daniel who had his heart-filled declaration of love denied in his face.

I wasn’t ready to be someone’s wife – not even his. I had to be my own wife and love myself before I could devote my life to loving someone else. Right now, I’m not sure what I love anymore. How can I love myself when I always end up hurting the people who love me? Why can’t I just take the plunge and marry one of the greatest men that I have ever known?

I once had a boyfriend who told me that one of his ex’s left him because she couldn’t be in a relationship at the time and she wanted to go find himself. He laughed and said he didn’t have the heart to tell her that she wasn’t worth looking for. That’s when I asked myself if I was worth looking for.

Is the reason that I can’t face commitment in a relationship is because I don’t know who I really am?